[ That was one of the most maddening parts of it. That it had started so well. That it looked as though things might begin to return to something resembling normal between them. ]
We discussed everything that had been hanging in the air between us over the past few months, and it seemed like we might have cleared it away. She ... she admitted how difficult dealing with all of this has been.
[ She stopped there. Allowed that to sink in, because while she hadn't understood the depths of Kotone's pain ... clearly, she hadn't ... she knew how difficult it was for Kotone to allow herself to show anything past the cheerful, supportive exterior.
[ And thinking of that, considering what came next nearly brought her to tears. ]
I said that, if she ever wanted to discuss it, that I would be there to listen ... and that's when she told me that, when I asked, she had wanted to say yes ...
[ She'd ... she'd hoped that this would grow easier. That, by the time she arrived at this point, there would be some sort of momentum in her favor that would have eased some of the pain and shame that had kept her from talking about it up until now.
[ There wasn't. ]
I ... began to ask myself why she would mention this now. And ... [ She swallows. ] And what I had meant when I'd asked the question in the first place ... but when I asked her, she shied away from me. She said that bringing it up in the first place had been a mistake, and that it didn't matter.
[ yukari squeezes mitsuru's shoulder as she finally gets to the heart of the matter. their conversation on the mountain sounds similar to she and kotone's conversation during the rescue mission aside from the disastrous argument. ]
I heard her say something like that at the Hall of Mirrors. Our reflections in there talked and moved on their own. Kind of like they were alive. [ weeks later, yukari still glanced in the mirror with trepidation, convinced a knowing smirk and yellow eyes would greet her.
suppressing a shiver, she continues, ] It was creepy. And Kotone's reflection talked about how she felt people only cared about her if she was perfect and only showed them what they wanted. Which isn't true, but.... It's how she's felt this whole time and never felt she could tell us.
[ but that isn't quite true. there is someone who would know. ]
Well, she probably told Aigis. [ a nonchalant shrug. ] But of course she would, right? That doesn't mean you made a mistake asking what she meant.
[ Without giving it any conscious thought, Mitsuru leans into Yukari's touch. Scant as it might be given the circumstances, her presence is still a comfort.
[ She's briefly confused by Yukari's comment about Aigis, but after a moment's thought it makes a great deal of sense ... due to the history they shared, Aigis was singularly devoted to Kotone - in a way that no one else could be. It would stand to reason that Kotone would open up to her ... to the person that it would be completely inconceivable to alienate.
[ Someone who could never react in the way that Mitsuru had ...
[ What Yukari said about her conversation with Kotone after the Hall of Mirrors, though ... that sent a wash of cold running over Mitsuru. Kotone had said the same thing to her, about being the perfect cipher to everyone that she could reach. ]
Yukari, my mistake wasn't asking it was ...
[ She takes another steadying breath, chewing her lower lip briefly. ]
I was hurt, Yukari. I didn't understand what I was feeling, or why she was pushing me away, and when I said that she didn't mean that, she said that she frequently said things that she didn't mean. She said that what she wanted had never mattered, and that she was ... that she was dead, so it never would.
[ She looked away again, scrubbing at her eyes with the heel of her palm and choking out a sob. ]
I couldn't stand the thought of losing her again, and hearing her talk about herself in that way ... something inside of me just pulled and tore and I ...
[ She turns back to Yukari, tears in her eyes. ]
I yelled at her. That she had always mattered, that we would have failed without her, that we would have been miserable and alone without her, but I still yelled at her.
[ oh, yukari thinks as mitsuru continues her story, eyebrows raising with each sentence in disbelief, oh, everything had gone so much worse than anticipated. honestly, she understands where her upperclassman is coming from. hearing their beloved leader talk about herself as if she was nothing, had done nothing--if it weren't for kotone standing next to her at the hall, there's a good chance yukari would have yelled at her reflection for daring to say things that felt so untrue.
but she remembers the stricken look on kotone's face after junpei yelled his frustrations at her in the months weeks before nyx's arrival, the genuine frustration in her tone as she snapped back. and she remembers the sudden withdrawal from the rest of them for several days afterward.
mitsuru yelling at her, regardless of good intentions, would have been like a slap to the face. ]
She didn't take that well, [ she quietly responds, rubbing comforting circles on mitsuru's back. ] Then you didn't take it well. And now we're here.
No. [ Mitsuru shook her head, leaning a little further into Yukari. ] Not exactly, at least.
[ Her voice was quiet and thin, but it was a little less choked and strained. It was as if the admission had released some pressure within her, but doing so had left her more deflated than relieved. Her eyes were still wet, and a few fresh tears rolled down her cheek. ]
The moment I finished, I knew what I had done ...
[ Even before she'd looked into Kotone's eyes and saw her friend's undisguised pain and despair, she knew. Junpei's outburst had come to her mind then, too. ]
I tried to apologize, for what little good that would do, but she began saying things that didn't make sense ... she talked about a contract that she had signed with Ryoji -- or at least, an embodiment of Thanatos that would later become Ryoji. She said that she had played her part, that she had become the perfect cipher to everyone that she could reach ...
There was some facet to the events of that year that we couldn't see, but that she could. Whatever it was, its left her convinced that it had all been predetermined, and that it could have never ended any other way ...
[ Mitsuru knew that Kotone tried to hide away any pain or anxiety that she felt - that she'd rather store it up inside of her than let anyone else see it. She knew that the hardships Kotone had faced had left their mark on her, even if Kotone would never admit it.
[ But that pain ran so much deeper than she realized, and she couldn't help but feel as though she'd failed Kotone by not discovering it before something like this could happen. ]
Her reflection mentioned some of that, too, [ she muses after a moment of thought, ] and called her "cipher." But she made it sound like she'd made the contract with someone named Igor instead of Ryoji. Or whoever Ryoji was then.
[ it stands to reason that the two of them--this mysterious mysterious version of ryoji and even more igor--were connected to the contract somehow. were this a more trivial mystery, yukari would dig into it, but.... well. she already knows heartbreak lies in wait at the end. ]
I didn't ask what that meant. It...wasn't really the time. [ nor was it after escaping the hall or after they'd kis--no. no thinking about it. ] She never said anything about what happened being...I don't know, fate or something, but that's just the thing, isn't it? She never talked about it. Ever. You can't blame yourself for not knowing she was hurting.
And don't say you're not because you are. [ yukari fixes mitsuru with a piercing stare that very few people in camelot or otherwise would get away with. ] Otherwise, you wouldn't stay holed up in your room for days avoiding everyone. This isn't-- [ she pauses, wondering if what she wants to say next is too harsh, but sets her shoulders before continuing, ] This isn't how you make up for thinking you're a bad friend.
This isn't working. Talking to her is the only way to fix this.
[ Mitsuru won't even attempt to deny that, any of it, because there is no denying it.
[ Yukari is right. The longer that she and Kotone drift in this agonizing limbo, the more and more difficult bridging this distance between them will become. But ... ]
I'm afraid, Yukari.
[ She sounds it, too. Uncharacteristically small and fragile and uncertain. But she doesn't shy away from Yuakri's gaze admitting it. ]
I'm afraid that I'll hurt her again, and lose her forever because of it.
[ Mitsuru wipes at her eyes again. ]
Whatever else that I might have wanted ... whatever else I might feel for her ... none of that matters now. All that I want is to avoid losing one of the two people in my life that matter the most to me.
[ For all the money and influence and reach that she has, the truth is that her world is a very small thing. It might have expanded a great deal from what it once was, even with the loss of her father, but if you distilled it down to the things that mean everything to her ...?
[ She has the Group.
[ She has Akihiko, Aragaki-san, Yamagishi-chan, Aigis, Amada-kun, Iori-san, and Koromaru.
[ she knows her words are frank to the point of being harsh, but she doesn't break eye contact or shy away. mitsuru is more than a best friend; she's one of those people yukari can't imagine living without. watching her struggle under the weight of her own misery is agony. for everyone involved.
it has to stop. ]
Last year taught me that we have to say what we mean when we can because sometimes we don't--we won't get that chance. ...and we're already on chance two. [ yukari wraps her arm around mitsuru's shoulders and pulls her closer. (later, she won't understand why doing so feels like instinct. like it's natural.) ] I can be there when you two talk if it'll help. That way we'll face something scary together. Just like we always do.
[ The words sting, enough that Mitsuru winces slightly, but once again Yukari is right. This status quo was inherently unstable. Lingering here would only lead to more pain and heartache. Some part of her had understood that already, but she'd somehow managed to talk herself past that simple truth. Staying as she was, paralyzed by fear and guilt, would mean that their second chance - their miraculous, impossible second chance - would be wasted.
[ However afraid she might be ... she would never forgive herself for allowing that to happen without a fight.
[ Mitsuru allowed herself to be drawn into the embrace, and rested her head against Yukari's shoulder. A year ago, such an intimate moment would have been virtually unthinkable, but it was such an easy, comfortable thing now ... ]
Thank you.
[ She took in a long, slow breath. Drew comfort and strength from her friend's presence. ]
With you by my side, it's a little less frightening.
[ yukari has spent the better part of three months mired in grief, in bitterness, in fear. mitsuru was the one to pull her out of it. and so, she wants to do that for her in turn.
she rests her head against mitsuru's and says, gently, ] You're welcome. I'm just glad I can help.
Whenever you're ready, we can head in there together.
[ her tone lacks any urgency in making her choose a time frame on when that should be. today, tomorrow, a week from now--it doesn't matter. yukari will be there by her side, regardless. ]
[ she takes the offered hand and stands up, but doesn't let go, leading them out of mitsuru's room and down the hall to stand in front of kotone's. compared to the usual muffled music blaring or animated conversation that greeted you when facing her shut door, it's...quiet. eerily so. right now, it's more reminiscent of a grave.
a grim part of her wonders if kotone is trying to make it that way on purpose.
yukari finally lets go of her hand and steps to the side, giving mitsuru an expectant look. willing as she is to back her up, that's all she is--support. only one person should be knocking on that door. ]
[ She should be, and she will be ... she's just, as struck by that silence as Yukari is.
[ Standing outside Kotone's door now felt the way that it had in the month before Mitsuru arrived at Avalon ... it felt as though she would open the door, and see an empty room that carried only an echo of her friend, reverberating through the space she should have occupied. And in some sense, that might very well be the case ... it all depended on the would follow.
[ It stunned her. Caused her to hesitate until the silence and all that it dragged up out of her memory became unbearable.
[ She couldn't stay here, surrounded by it, so she pressed forward as she said she would.
[ She reached out, and broke the silence with a knock on the door. ]
[ she knows they've all been giving her a wide berth, these weeks. yukari and mitsuru because of her traitorous heart and poor judgement, shinji because... he just wasn't one to push. the knock is a surprise.
kotone had been listening to music, but on headphones, beneath the sheets. still, the sound at the door broke through. she pauses it and pulls herself to her feet, tugging a worn pink hoodie on over the clothes she slept in the night before—
and at last, she opens the door a crack, peering out. ]
Oh. Hi, Mitsuru. [ she glances past the redhead, noticing the other girl's presence as well. ]... Yukari, too. What's up?
[ she doesn't sound anything but... tired, to be honest. as if something bone-deep has settled in. it isn't the same as how she seemed in february, mercifully, but even so. ]
Um... yeah. Yeah, that's fine. [ kotone takes a breath, opening the door wider and rubbing at her eyes. the room isn't quite a mess, but it's clear she's only paid the most basic mind to picking up after herself for a while. along with the instruments and books on music theory, there are two bell jars that might stand out on her desk. each frosted with pink etchings of bones and butterflies, each encapsulating a plant. one is a red spider lily—autumn, death, departure, fated meetings—and the other is a cutting of sakura. obvious on its face.
kotone drops into a seat at her desk and pulls her legs up beneath her in the chair, gesturing towards her bed. it's clear she should probably let them start. ]
[ Mitsuru's eyes linger on those plants as she enters the room. Their meaning isn't lost on her, and she feels another pang of guilt knowing that her actions have left Kotone to dwell on all of her problems alone ... She tries to keep it from showing on her face, but she isn't entirely certain whether or not she's managed that.
[ In any case, she doesn't take the seat offered to her. Not yet, at least. Not until she's said her part.
[ She ... she isn't sure how to start. Part of her wants to indulge in some sort of small-talk, to ease herself into it for the sake of her nerves ... but she's delayed this enough already -- more than enough. Stalling further wouldn't do either of them any good.
[ It takes Mitsuru a moment to find her voice, but then ...: ]
I wanted to apologize. [ She says softly, turning her gaze downward as though she hadn't earned the right to look into Kotone's eyes. ] For the way that I acted while we were questing together.
[ kotone doesn't meet mitsuru's eyes, either. finally, she shakes her head. ]
... You don't have to apologize. I had it coming. I know how it works, y'know? [ she laughs a brittle, slightly wet laugh, rubbing at her eyes. ] I end up being too much, or I can't be what they want, and people decide they're done with me. I guess I tricked myself into thinking it wasn't going to happen with you guys, too.
[ yukari is committed to staying quiet as they talk things out. this is a conversation between mitsuru and kotone and although she has plenty to add, this isn't the time. it can wait.
but then kotone says that and her razor-thin resolve snaps. ]
Kotone, no one's done with you, [ she interjects while sitting on the edge of the bed closest to her. ] We wouldn't even be here if we were. You aren't.... [ yukari takes a steadying breath, recognizing that her tone sounds dangerously close to angry when that's far from the truth. ]
No one is here to say you have to change or be less. Especially not me or Mitsuru.
[ She'd looked up from the floor as Kotone talked, opened her mouth to reply ... but then she remembered what had happened the last time she'd spoken before she could think, and reflexively bit the words back before any of them could actually escape.
[ Yukari interjecting had bought her the moment she needed to recover ]
She's right, Kotone. [ Mitsuru takes a half-step forward. ] I didn't want to push you away ... and I know that it might sound hollow given what I did, but hurting you was the last thing I wanted.
[ she looks up when yukari finally says something, taking that in. then, mitsuru says the same thing and steps closer.
kotone had been terrified that she'd ruined things, with both of them. things were so... different now. she looks at both of her friends in turn, and finally, takes a deep breath in an effort to steady herself. two beats, and she exhales. ]
... Okay. [ she sounds a little more certain, now. the edge of despair that had crept into her voice has vanished. ] So... let's talk.
[ Mitsuru had never stopped hoping that things could be repaired between them, but in situations like this, there's always that lingering doubt ... that voice whispering 'what if' until the worst-case scenario seems nearly unavoidable.
[ Hearing that note of certainty in Kotone's voice, however small it may be, releases some of the tension that Mitsuru had been carrying. It was concrete evidence that their relationship wasn't damaged beyond repair, and even though they still had a great deal to discuss before things could return to something that even vaguely resembled normal ... it's hard to describe what a relief that was.
[ Mitsuru signals her agreement with a small nod, and then took in a deep breath. She was quiet, briefly, trying to sort through the things that she needed to say and assemble those thoughts into some loose order. Then: ]
I was ... quite shaken, when you said that you would have come with me if I had decided to run away. Hearing you say it aloud, I realized the depths of my feelings for you.
[ She tries to swallow down the lump forming in her throat. ]
I don't know that I'd ever felt that way before, and as I struggled to understand that, so many other questions raced through my mind. Had I felt this way before without even realizing it? How long had I harbored these feelings? Did you feel the same way ...? It was all so overwhelming, and when you abruptly withdrew and pushed me away, I ...
[ Another deep breath to try and steady herself, but there was a raggedness to this one. ]
It hurt. I barely understood what I was feeling, and I didn't know what I might have done to upset you.
[ She draws into her self a little bit, arms folding across her midsection. ]
I don't say any of this to justify my behavior, because I should have never allowed that pain and confusion to dictate my actions, I just ... I want you to understand the state of mind that I was in for what followed.
['It's never mattered what I wanted, Mitsuru.'
['It's never mattered why I wanted it, either.'
['And I'm dead, so it's not going to start now.' ]
I couldn't stand hearing you talk about yourself like that ... nor could I stand the thought of losing you again ... something inside of me snapped. I shouted, and I knew what I had done the moment that I finished speaking. I ... I've regretted it ever since.
You were suffering so much more than I realized ... and when you tried to tell me, I snapped at you.
[ With that, Mitsuru uncrosses her arms, allows them to fall to her sides, and bows to Kotone, lowering her head until she's bent at the waist. ]
You deserved a friend in that moment, and I failed you mere minutes after promising that I would always be there for you ...
[ She's holding back tears. Even with her face hidden by the thick curtain of her hair, the way her voice quavers makes it all too obvious. ]
[ yukari listened to this story not more than ten minutes ago, but watching mitsuru struggle to repeat it in front of the person she hurt, the person she lov--she can't finish the thought without something foul roiling beneath the surface. so she doesn't.--cares about hits harder than expected. while the situation wasn't the best, there's only so much blame mitsuru should put on herself. everything that had transpired on the mountain had been an accident, a stray thread of conversation that lead to an unraveling.
it's a far cry from her and kotone's moment in the quiet copse of trees where she knew her choice would be like throwing a match into a dry forest.
the guilt, always present ever since that night, weighs heavy in the silence that follows mitsuru's apology. hadn't she said they shouldn't waste another minute? and there's no better time than now to speak.
quietly: ]
And I'm sorry, too. For backing off after we, [ yukari pauses and shakes her head, deciding to start over with a more truthful version of events, ] after I kissed you. There was the reflection in the Hall and me messing up what you had with Aigis and....
Everything was so messed up. ...because I was the one who caused a lot of it. So rather than be the friend you needed, I pulled away.
[ 'i won't ever be that weak.' time has proven her a liar yet again. ]
You don't deserve that. Especially not from someone who considers you one of their best friends.
[ there is so, so much here. she has no idea where to begin. first with what mitsuru says—and how much mitsuru has obviously been tormenting herself over it, how much she'd hurt her that night in return, is obvious on its face. that, on its own, would be a lot to take in and try to find some response to.
then... then yukari adds her own apology. the mention of the kiss was one complicating factor, but then...
then, yukari mentions the one person kotone hasn't even been able to bear to say the name of. and kotone freezes. her eyes move away from her friends towards the floor, as she tries to breathe. her heart hammers in her chest, pulse in her ears, and then...
no. she refuses to make all of this about her. mitsuru and yukari are hurting, and trying to fix this. the least she can do is meet them halfway. ]
... C'mere. Both of you. [ she finally forces a breath and rises to her feet, pulling mitsuru into a hug and gesturing with her free arm for yukari to join in too. it's an imperfect response, and kotone will still need to address what they've said... but it's a start. she wants to stop keeping them at a distance, and there's no better way to demonstrate it. ]
[ As Yukari begins to speak, Mitsuru remains as she was, her head bowed to Kotone. She stays that way, silently allowing Yukari to say her piece until ...
[ ' ... after I kissed you.'
[ Her eyes snap up from the floorboards, back slowly straightening as her attention shifts from Kotone to Yukari. Something heavy pressed against her chest, settled in her stomach. She barely had time to process it before Yukari mentioned Aigis - that she'd messed up what Kotone had with her.
[ For a moment, Mitsuru is confused. She doesn't understand what Yukari means, so her gaze shifts back to Kotone. She watches Kotone stiffen, sees her eyes fall to the floor, hears the faint huff of breath leave her ...
[ And suddenly, she understands.
[ If you saw Kotone and Aigis together, it would be all but impossible not to see the deep connection that they shared. Mitsuru had always attributed it to the history that they shared, and Aigis's singular devotion to her. She ... she hadn't considered the possibility that their connection had become romantic, but given that history and devotion, it made all the sense in the world.
[ Being separated from the one that she ... from the one that she loved must have been agonizing for Kotone. Sharing a kiss with Yukari would have felt like a betrayal, and Mitsuru's own affections would have gouged at that open wound ...
[ Of course Kotone had pushed her away ...
[ When Kotone finally spoke, Mitsuru barely heard her. The words were distant and indistinct, as though whispered at the end of a hallway. She was dragged out of her own thoughts when Kotone embraced her, but not completely ...
[ Even through the immense relief that gesture brought, it still hurt to know that Kotone had fallen in love with someone else. It tore at her, knowing that there might have been a chance for them if she'd only understood her own heart well enough to act. It stung knowing that the two people she loved the most had shared the sort of intimacy that she wanted so dearly ...
[ ... and she felt guilty for feeling any of it.
[ That pain and guilt and heartache threatened to dominate her thoughts. Letting it happen would have been so, so easy ...
[ But she didn't. She pushed against it, pushed as hard as she could, because she was done allowing these petty, selfish, weak emotions poison the friendships that mattered the most to her.
[ Maybe she couldn't rid herself of those feelings entirely, but they weren't going to rule her any further, and they weren't going to stop her from being the sort of friend that those around her deserved.
[ After a moment of tension, she all but melts into the hug. She puts her arms around Kotone and squeezes her tight. She buries her face in the shorter girl's hair for a moment, feeling herself start to tear up ...
[ And then she, too extends her arm towards Yukari. ]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-10-09 07:06 am (UTC)[ That was one of the most maddening parts of it. That it had started so well. That it looked as though things might begin to return to something resembling normal between them. ]
We discussed everything that had been hanging in the air between us over the past few months, and it seemed like we might have cleared it away. She ... she admitted how difficult dealing with all of this has been.
[ She stopped there. Allowed that to sink in, because while she hadn't understood the depths of Kotone's pain ... clearly, she hadn't ... she knew how difficult it was for Kotone to allow herself to show anything past the cheerful, supportive exterior.
[ And thinking of that, considering what came next nearly brought her to tears. ]
I said that, if she ever wanted to discuss it, that I would be there to listen ... and that's when she told me that, when I asked, she had wanted to say yes ...
[ She'd ... she'd hoped that this would grow easier. That, by the time she arrived at this point, there would be some sort of momentum in her favor that would have eased some of the pain and shame that had kept her from talking about it up until now.
[ There wasn't. ]
I ... began to ask myself why she would mention this now. And ... [ She swallows. ] And what I had meant when I'd asked the question in the first place ... but when I asked her, she shied away from me. She said that bringing it up in the first place had been a mistake, and that it didn't matter.
That she didn't matter ...
no subject
Date: 2021-10-10 04:27 am (UTC)I heard her say something like that at the Hall of Mirrors. Our reflections in there talked and moved on their own. Kind of like they were alive. [ weeks later, yukari still glanced in the mirror with trepidation, convinced a knowing smirk and yellow eyes would greet her.
suppressing a shiver, she continues, ] It was creepy. And Kotone's reflection talked about how she felt people only cared about her if she was perfect and only showed them what they wanted. Which isn't true, but.... It's how she's felt this whole time and never felt she could tell us.
[ but that isn't quite true. there is someone who would know. ]
Well, she probably told Aigis. [ a nonchalant shrug. ] But of course she would, right? That doesn't mean you made a mistake asking what she meant.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-10 05:28 am (UTC)[ She's briefly confused by Yukari's comment about Aigis, but after a moment's thought it makes a great deal of sense ... due to the history they shared, Aigis was singularly devoted to Kotone - in a way that no one else could be. It would stand to reason that Kotone would open up to her ... to the person that it would be completely inconceivable to alienate.
[ Someone who could never react in the way that Mitsuru had ...
[ What Yukari said about her conversation with Kotone after the Hall of Mirrors, though ... that sent a wash of cold running over Mitsuru. Kotone had said the same thing to her, about being the perfect cipher to everyone that she could reach. ]
Yukari, my mistake wasn't asking it was ...
[ She takes another steadying breath, chewing her lower lip briefly. ]
I was hurt, Yukari. I didn't understand what I was feeling, or why she was pushing me away, and when I said that she didn't mean that, she said that she frequently said things that she didn't mean. She said that what she wanted had never mattered, and that she was ... that she was dead, so it never would.
[ She looked away again, scrubbing at her eyes with the heel of her palm and choking out a sob. ]
I couldn't stand the thought of losing her again, and hearing her talk about herself in that way ... something inside of me just pulled and tore and I ...
[ She turns back to Yukari, tears in her eyes. ]
I yelled at her. That she had always mattered, that we would have failed without her, that we would have been miserable and alone without her, but I still yelled at her.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-13 03:09 am (UTC)but she remembers the stricken look on kotone's face after junpei yelled his frustrations at her in the months weeks before nyx's arrival, the genuine frustration in her tone as she snapped back. and she remembers the sudden withdrawal from the rest of them for several days afterward.
mitsuru yelling at her, regardless of good intentions, would have been like a slap to the face. ]
She didn't take that well, [ she quietly responds, rubbing comforting circles on mitsuru's back. ] Then you didn't take it well. And now we're here.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-13 03:28 am (UTC)[ Her voice was quiet and thin, but it was a little less choked and strained. It was as if the admission had released some pressure within her, but doing so had left her more deflated than relieved. Her eyes were still wet, and a few fresh tears rolled down her cheek. ]
The moment I finished, I knew what I had done ...
[ Even before she'd looked into Kotone's eyes and saw her friend's undisguised pain and despair, she knew. Junpei's outburst had come to her mind then, too. ]
I tried to apologize, for what little good that would do, but she began saying things that didn't make sense ... she talked about a contract that she had signed with Ryoji -- or at least, an embodiment of Thanatos that would later become Ryoji. She said that she had played her part, that she had become the perfect cipher to everyone that she could reach ...
There was some facet to the events of that year that we couldn't see, but that she could. Whatever it was, its left her convinced that it had all been predetermined, and that it could have never ended any other way ...
[ Mitsuru knew that Kotone tried to hide away any pain or anxiety that she felt - that she'd rather store it up inside of her than let anyone else see it. She knew that the hardships Kotone had faced had left their mark on her, even if Kotone would never admit it.
[ But that pain ran so much deeper than she realized, and she couldn't help but feel as though she'd failed Kotone by not discovering it before something like this could happen. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-14 01:35 am (UTC)[ it stands to reason that the two of them--this mysterious mysterious version of ryoji and even more igor--were connected to the contract somehow. were this a more trivial mystery, yukari would dig into it, but.... well. she already knows heartbreak lies in wait at the end. ]
I didn't ask what that meant. It...wasn't really the time. [ nor was it after escaping the hall or after they'd kis--no. no thinking about it. ] She never said anything about what happened being...I don't know, fate or something, but that's just the thing, isn't it? She never talked about it. Ever. You can't blame yourself for not knowing she was hurting.
And don't say you're not because you are. [ yukari fixes mitsuru with a piercing stare that very few people in camelot or otherwise would get away with. ] Otherwise, you wouldn't stay holed up in your room for days avoiding everyone. This isn't-- [ she pauses, wondering if what she wants to say next is too harsh, but sets her shoulders before continuing, ] This isn't how you make up for thinking you're a bad friend.
This isn't working. Talking to her is the only way to fix this.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-14 03:53 am (UTC)[ Yukari is right. The longer that she and Kotone drift in this agonizing limbo, the more and more difficult bridging this distance between them will become. But ... ]
I'm afraid, Yukari.
[ She sounds it, too. Uncharacteristically small and fragile and uncertain. But she doesn't shy away from Yuakri's gaze admitting it. ]
I'm afraid that I'll hurt her again, and lose her forever because of it.
[ Mitsuru wipes at her eyes again. ]
Whatever else that I might have wanted ... whatever else I might feel for her ... none of that matters now. All that I want is to avoid losing one of the two people in my life that matter the most to me.
[ For all the money and influence and reach that she has, the truth is that her world is a very small thing. It might have expanded a great deal from what it once was, even with the loss of her father, but if you distilled it down to the things that mean everything to her ...?
[ She has the Group.
[ She has Akihiko, Aragaki-san, Yamagishi-chan, Aigis, Amada-kun, Iori-san, and Koromaru.
[ She has Yukari and Kotone. ]
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Date: 2021-10-15 09:16 pm (UTC)[ she knows her words are frank to the point of being harsh, but she doesn't break eye contact or shy away. mitsuru is more than a best friend; she's one of those people yukari can't imagine living without. watching her struggle under the weight of her own misery is agony. for everyone involved.
it has to stop. ]
Last year taught me that we have to say what we mean when we can because sometimes we don't--we won't get that chance. ...and we're already on chance two. [ yukari wraps her arm around mitsuru's shoulders and pulls her closer. (later, she won't understand why doing so feels like instinct. like it's natural.) ] I can be there when you two talk if it'll help. That way we'll face something scary together. Just like we always do.
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Date: 2021-10-15 10:10 pm (UTC)[ The words sting, enough that Mitsuru winces slightly, but once again Yukari is right. This status quo was inherently unstable. Lingering here would only lead to more pain and heartache. Some part of her had understood that already, but she'd somehow managed to talk herself past that simple truth. Staying as she was, paralyzed by fear and guilt, would mean that their second chance - their miraculous, impossible second chance - would be wasted.
[ However afraid she might be ... she would never forgive herself for allowing that to happen without a fight.
[ Mitsuru allowed herself to be drawn into the embrace, and rested her head against Yukari's shoulder. A year ago, such an intimate moment would have been virtually unthinkable, but it was such an easy, comfortable thing now ... ]
Thank you.
[ She took in a long, slow breath. Drew comfort and strength from her friend's presence. ]
With you by my side, it's a little less frightening.
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Date: 2021-10-17 03:41 am (UTC)she rests her head against mitsuru's and says, gently, ] You're welcome. I'm just glad I can help.
Whenever you're ready, we can head in there together.
[ her tone lacks any urgency in making her choose a time frame on when that should be. today, tomorrow, a week from now--it doesn't matter. yukari will be there by her side, regardless. ]
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Date: 2021-10-17 04:36 am (UTC)[ Her eyes drift shut, and Mitsuru falls silent for a few, long moments. Enjoying the warmth and closeness, doing what she could to steal her nerves.
[ Then, quietly: ]
I'm ready.
[ She takes in a steadying breath, removes herself from Yukari's arms, and rises to her feet. She extends a hand to help Yukari up. ]
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Date: 2021-10-17 05:34 pm (UTC)a grim part of her wonders if kotone is trying to make it that way on purpose.
yukari finally lets go of her hand and steps to the side, giving mitsuru an expectant look. willing as she is to back her up, that's all she is--support. only one person should be knocking on that door. ]
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Date: 2021-10-17 06:02 pm (UTC)[ Standing outside Kotone's door now felt the way that it had in the month before Mitsuru arrived at Avalon ... it felt as though she would open the door, and see an empty room that carried only an echo of her friend, reverberating through the space she should have occupied. And in some sense, that might very well be the case ... it all depended on the would follow.
[ It stunned her. Caused her to hesitate until the silence and all that it dragged up out of her memory became unbearable.
[ She couldn't stay here, surrounded by it, so she pressed forward as she said she would.
[ She reached out, and broke the silence with a knock on the door. ]
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Date: 2021-10-17 06:14 pm (UTC)kotone had been listening to music, but on headphones, beneath the sheets. still, the sound at the door broke through. she pauses it and pulls herself to her feet, tugging a worn pink hoodie on over the clothes she slept in the night before—
and at last, she opens the door a crack, peering out. ]
Oh. Hi, Mitsuru. [ she glances past the redhead, noticing the other girl's presence as well. ]... Yukari, too. What's up?
[ she doesn't sound anything but... tired, to be honest. as if something bone-deep has settled in. it isn't the same as how she seemed in february, mercifully, but even so. ]
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Date: 2021-10-17 06:33 pm (UTC)I ... I was hoping we could talk.
[ She sounds tired, too. ]
May we come in?
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Date: 2021-10-17 06:45 pm (UTC)kotone drops into a seat at her desk and pulls her legs up beneath her in the chair, gesturing towards her bed. it's clear she should probably let them start. ]
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Date: 2021-10-17 08:35 pm (UTC)[ In any case, she doesn't take the seat offered to her. Not yet, at least. Not until she's said her part.
[ She ... she isn't sure how to start. Part of her wants to indulge in some sort of small-talk, to ease herself into it for the sake of her nerves ... but she's delayed this enough already -- more than enough. Stalling further wouldn't do either of them any good.
[ It takes Mitsuru a moment to find her voice, but then ...: ]
I wanted to apologize. [ She says softly, turning her gaze downward as though she hadn't earned the right to look into Kotone's eyes. ] For the way that I acted while we were questing together.
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Date: 2021-10-17 09:34 pm (UTC)... You don't have to apologize. I had it coming. I know how it works, y'know? [ she laughs a brittle, slightly wet laugh, rubbing at her eyes. ] I end up being too much, or I can't be what they want, and people decide they're done with me. I guess I tricked myself into thinking it wasn't going to happen with you guys, too.
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Date: 2021-10-18 04:16 am (UTC)but then kotone says that and her razor-thin resolve snaps. ]
Kotone, no one's done with you, [ she interjects while sitting on the edge of the bed closest to her. ] We wouldn't even be here if we were. You aren't.... [ yukari takes a steadying breath, recognizing that her tone sounds dangerously close to angry when that's far from the truth. ]
No one is here to say you have to change or be less. Especially not me or Mitsuru.
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Date: 2021-10-18 06:11 am (UTC)[ She'd looked up from the floor as Kotone talked, opened her mouth to reply ... but then she remembered what had happened the last time she'd spoken before she could think, and reflexively bit the words back before any of them could actually escape.
[ Yukari interjecting had bought her the moment she needed to recover ]
She's right, Kotone. [ Mitsuru takes a half-step forward. ] I didn't want to push you away ... and I know that it might sound hollow given what I did, but hurting you was the last thing I wanted.
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Date: 2021-10-18 08:01 am (UTC)kotone had been terrified that she'd ruined things, with both of them. things were so... different now. she looks at both of her friends in turn, and finally, takes a deep breath in an effort to steady herself. two beats, and she exhales. ]
... Okay. [ she sounds a little more certain, now. the edge of despair that had crept into her voice has vanished. ] So... let's talk.
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Date: 2021-10-19 02:03 am (UTC)[ Hearing that note of certainty in Kotone's voice, however small it may be, releases some of the tension that Mitsuru had been carrying. It was concrete evidence that their relationship wasn't damaged beyond repair, and even though they still had a great deal to discuss before things could return to something that even vaguely resembled normal ... it's hard to describe what a relief that was.
[ Mitsuru signals her agreement with a small nod, and then took in a deep breath. She was quiet, briefly, trying to sort through the things that she needed to say and assemble those thoughts into some loose order. Then: ]
I was ... quite shaken, when you said that you would have come with me if I had decided to run away. Hearing you say it aloud, I realized the depths of my feelings for you.
[ She tries to swallow down the lump forming in her throat. ]
I don't know that I'd ever felt that way before, and as I struggled to understand that, so many other questions raced through my mind. Had I felt this way before without even realizing it? How long had I harbored these feelings? Did you feel the same way ...? It was all so overwhelming, and when you abruptly withdrew and pushed me away, I ...
[ Another deep breath to try and steady herself, but there was a raggedness to this one. ]
It hurt. I barely understood what I was feeling, and I didn't know what I might have done to upset you.
[ She draws into her self a little bit, arms folding across her midsection. ]
I don't say any of this to justify my behavior, because I should have never allowed that pain and confusion to dictate my actions, I just ... I want you to understand the state of mind that I was in for what followed.
['It's never mattered what I wanted, Mitsuru.'
['It's never mattered why I wanted it, either.'
['And I'm dead, so it's not going to start now.' ]
I couldn't stand hearing you talk about yourself like that ... nor could I stand the thought of losing you again ... something inside of me snapped. I shouted, and I knew what I had done the moment that I finished speaking. I ... I've regretted it ever since.
You were suffering so much more than I realized ... and when you tried to tell me, I snapped at you.
[ With that, Mitsuru uncrosses her arms, allows them to fall to her sides, and bows to Kotone, lowering her head until she's bent at the waist. ]
You deserved a friend in that moment, and I failed you mere minutes after promising that I would always be there for you ...
[ She's holding back tears. Even with her face hidden by the thick curtain of her hair, the way her voice quavers makes it all too obvious. ]
I'm sorry, Kotone ... I'm so, so sorry ...
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Date: 2021-10-29 02:02 am (UTC)it's a far cry from her and kotone's moment in the quiet copse of trees where she knew her choice would be like throwing a match into a dry forest.
the guilt, always present ever since that night, weighs heavy in the silence that follows mitsuru's apology. hadn't she said they shouldn't waste another minute? and there's no better time than now to speak.
quietly: ]
And I'm sorry, too. For backing off after we, [ yukari pauses and shakes her head, deciding to start over with a more truthful version of events, ] after I kissed you. There was the reflection in the Hall and me messing up what you had with Aigis and....
Everything was so messed up. ...because I was the one who caused a lot of it. So rather than be the friend you needed, I pulled away.
[ 'i won't ever be that weak.' time has proven her a liar yet again. ]
You don't deserve that. Especially not from someone who considers you one of their best friends.
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Date: 2021-10-29 03:25 am (UTC)then... then yukari adds her own apology. the mention of the kiss was one complicating factor, but then...
then, yukari mentions the one person kotone hasn't even been able to bear to say the name of. and kotone freezes. her eyes move away from her friends towards the floor, as she tries to breathe. her heart hammers in her chest, pulse in her ears, and then...
no. she refuses to make all of this about her. mitsuru and yukari are hurting, and trying to fix this. the least she can do is meet them halfway. ]
... C'mere. Both of you. [ she finally forces a breath and rises to her feet, pulling mitsuru into a hug and gesturing with her free arm for yukari to join in too. it's an imperfect response, and kotone will still need to address what they've said... but it's a start. she wants to stop keeping them at a distance, and there's no better way to demonstrate it. ]
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Date: 2021-10-29 04:44 am (UTC)[ ' ... after I kissed you.'
[ Her eyes snap up from the floorboards, back slowly straightening as her attention shifts from Kotone to Yukari. Something heavy pressed against her chest, settled in her stomach. She barely had time to process it before Yukari mentioned Aigis - that she'd messed up what Kotone had with her.
[ For a moment, Mitsuru is confused. She doesn't understand what Yukari means, so her gaze shifts back to Kotone. She watches Kotone stiffen, sees her eyes fall to the floor, hears the faint huff of breath leave her ...
[ And suddenly, she understands.
[ If you saw Kotone and Aigis together, it would be all but impossible not to see the deep connection that they shared. Mitsuru had always attributed it to the history that they shared, and Aigis's singular devotion to her. She ... she hadn't considered the possibility that their connection had become romantic, but given that history and devotion, it made all the sense in the world.
[ Being separated from the one that she ... from the one that she loved must have been agonizing for Kotone. Sharing a kiss with Yukari would have felt like a betrayal, and Mitsuru's own affections would have gouged at that open wound ...
[ Of course Kotone had pushed her away ...
[ When Kotone finally spoke, Mitsuru barely heard her. The words were distant and indistinct, as though whispered at the end of a hallway. She was dragged out of her own thoughts when Kotone embraced her, but not completely ...
[ Even through the immense relief that gesture brought, it still hurt to know that Kotone had fallen in love with someone else. It tore at her, knowing that there might have been a chance for them if she'd only understood her own heart well enough to act. It stung knowing that the two people she loved the most had shared the sort of intimacy that she wanted so dearly ...
[ ... and she felt guilty for feeling any of it.
[ That pain and guilt and heartache threatened to dominate her thoughts. Letting it happen would have been so, so easy ...
[ But she didn't. She pushed against it, pushed as hard as she could, because she was done allowing these petty, selfish, weak emotions poison the friendships that mattered the most to her.
[ Maybe she couldn't rid herself of those feelings entirely, but they weren't going to rule her any further, and they weren't going to stop her from being the sort of friend that those around her deserved.
[ After a moment of tension, she all but melts into the hug. She puts her arms around Kotone and squeezes her tight. She buries her face in the shorter girl's hair for a moment, feeling herself start to tear up ...
[ And then she, too extends her arm towards Yukari. ]
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