Her reflection mentioned some of that, too, [ she muses after a moment of thought, ] and called her "cipher." But she made it sound like she'd made the contract with someone named Igor instead of Ryoji. Or whoever Ryoji was then.
[ it stands to reason that the two of them--this mysterious mysterious version of ryoji and even more igor--were connected to the contract somehow. were this a more trivial mystery, yukari would dig into it, but.... well. she already knows heartbreak lies in wait at the end. ]
I didn't ask what that meant. It...wasn't really the time. [ nor was it after escaping the hall or after they'd kis--no. no thinking about it. ] She never said anything about what happened being...I don't know, fate or something, but that's just the thing, isn't it? She never talked about it. Ever. You can't blame yourself for not knowing she was hurting.
And don't say you're not because you are. [ yukari fixes mitsuru with a piercing stare that very few people in camelot or otherwise would get away with. ] Otherwise, you wouldn't stay holed up in your room for days avoiding everyone. This isn't-- [ she pauses, wondering if what she wants to say next is too harsh, but sets her shoulders before continuing, ] This isn't how you make up for thinking you're a bad friend.
This isn't working. Talking to her is the only way to fix this.
[ Mitsuru won't even attempt to deny that, any of it, because there is no denying it.
[ Yukari is right. The longer that she and Kotone drift in this agonizing limbo, the more and more difficult bridging this distance between them will become. But ... ]
I'm afraid, Yukari.
[ She sounds it, too. Uncharacteristically small and fragile and uncertain. But she doesn't shy away from Yuakri's gaze admitting it. ]
I'm afraid that I'll hurt her again, and lose her forever because of it.
[ Mitsuru wipes at her eyes again. ]
Whatever else that I might have wanted ... whatever else I might feel for her ... none of that matters now. All that I want is to avoid losing one of the two people in my life that matter the most to me.
[ For all the money and influence and reach that she has, the truth is that her world is a very small thing. It might have expanded a great deal from what it once was, even with the loss of her father, but if you distilled it down to the things that mean everything to her ...?
[ She has the Group.
[ She has Akihiko, Aragaki-san, Yamagishi-chan, Aigis, Amada-kun, Iori-san, and Koromaru.
[ she knows her words are frank to the point of being harsh, but she doesn't break eye contact or shy away. mitsuru is more than a best friend; she's one of those people yukari can't imagine living without. watching her struggle under the weight of her own misery is agony. for everyone involved.
it has to stop. ]
Last year taught me that we have to say what we mean when we can because sometimes we don't--we won't get that chance. ...and we're already on chance two. [ yukari wraps her arm around mitsuru's shoulders and pulls her closer. (later, she won't understand why doing so feels like instinct. like it's natural.) ] I can be there when you two talk if it'll help. That way we'll face something scary together. Just like we always do.
[ The words sting, enough that Mitsuru winces slightly, but once again Yukari is right. This status quo was inherently unstable. Lingering here would only lead to more pain and heartache. Some part of her had understood that already, but she'd somehow managed to talk herself past that simple truth. Staying as she was, paralyzed by fear and guilt, would mean that their second chance - their miraculous, impossible second chance - would be wasted.
[ However afraid she might be ... she would never forgive herself for allowing that to happen without a fight.
[ Mitsuru allowed herself to be drawn into the embrace, and rested her head against Yukari's shoulder. A year ago, such an intimate moment would have been virtually unthinkable, but it was such an easy, comfortable thing now ... ]
Thank you.
[ She took in a long, slow breath. Drew comfort and strength from her friend's presence. ]
With you by my side, it's a little less frightening.
[ yukari has spent the better part of three months mired in grief, in bitterness, in fear. mitsuru was the one to pull her out of it. and so, she wants to do that for her in turn.
she rests her head against mitsuru's and says, gently, ] You're welcome. I'm just glad I can help.
Whenever you're ready, we can head in there together.
[ her tone lacks any urgency in making her choose a time frame on when that should be. today, tomorrow, a week from now--it doesn't matter. yukari will be there by her side, regardless. ]
[ she takes the offered hand and stands up, but doesn't let go, leading them out of mitsuru's room and down the hall to stand in front of kotone's. compared to the usual muffled music blaring or animated conversation that greeted you when facing her shut door, it's...quiet. eerily so. right now, it's more reminiscent of a grave.
a grim part of her wonders if kotone is trying to make it that way on purpose.
yukari finally lets go of her hand and steps to the side, giving mitsuru an expectant look. willing as she is to back her up, that's all she is--support. only one person should be knocking on that door. ]
[ She should be, and she will be ... she's just, as struck by that silence as Yukari is.
[ Standing outside Kotone's door now felt the way that it had in the month before Mitsuru arrived at Avalon ... it felt as though she would open the door, and see an empty room that carried only an echo of her friend, reverberating through the space she should have occupied. And in some sense, that might very well be the case ... it all depended on the would follow.
[ It stunned her. Caused her to hesitate until the silence and all that it dragged up out of her memory became unbearable.
[ She couldn't stay here, surrounded by it, so she pressed forward as she said she would.
[ She reached out, and broke the silence with a knock on the door. ]
[ she knows they've all been giving her a wide berth, these weeks. yukari and mitsuru because of her traitorous heart and poor judgement, shinji because... he just wasn't one to push. the knock is a surprise.
kotone had been listening to music, but on headphones, beneath the sheets. still, the sound at the door broke through. she pauses it and pulls herself to her feet, tugging a worn pink hoodie on over the clothes she slept in the night before—
and at last, she opens the door a crack, peering out. ]
Oh. Hi, Mitsuru. [ she glances past the redhead, noticing the other girl's presence as well. ]... Yukari, too. What's up?
[ she doesn't sound anything but... tired, to be honest. as if something bone-deep has settled in. it isn't the same as how she seemed in february, mercifully, but even so. ]
Um... yeah. Yeah, that's fine. [ kotone takes a breath, opening the door wider and rubbing at her eyes. the room isn't quite a mess, but it's clear she's only paid the most basic mind to picking up after herself for a while. along with the instruments and books on music theory, there are two bell jars that might stand out on her desk. each frosted with pink etchings of bones and butterflies, each encapsulating a plant. one is a red spider lily—autumn, death, departure, fated meetings—and the other is a cutting of sakura. obvious on its face.
kotone drops into a seat at her desk and pulls her legs up beneath her in the chair, gesturing towards her bed. it's clear she should probably let them start. ]
[ Mitsuru's eyes linger on those plants as she enters the room. Their meaning isn't lost on her, and she feels another pang of guilt knowing that her actions have left Kotone to dwell on all of her problems alone ... She tries to keep it from showing on her face, but she isn't entirely certain whether or not she's managed that.
[ In any case, she doesn't take the seat offered to her. Not yet, at least. Not until she's said her part.
[ She ... she isn't sure how to start. Part of her wants to indulge in some sort of small-talk, to ease herself into it for the sake of her nerves ... but she's delayed this enough already -- more than enough. Stalling further wouldn't do either of them any good.
[ It takes Mitsuru a moment to find her voice, but then ...: ]
I wanted to apologize. [ She says softly, turning her gaze downward as though she hadn't earned the right to look into Kotone's eyes. ] For the way that I acted while we were questing together.
[ kotone doesn't meet mitsuru's eyes, either. finally, she shakes her head. ]
... You don't have to apologize. I had it coming. I know how it works, y'know? [ she laughs a brittle, slightly wet laugh, rubbing at her eyes. ] I end up being too much, or I can't be what they want, and people decide they're done with me. I guess I tricked myself into thinking it wasn't going to happen with you guys, too.
[ yukari is committed to staying quiet as they talk things out. this is a conversation between mitsuru and kotone and although she has plenty to add, this isn't the time. it can wait.
but then kotone says that and her razor-thin resolve snaps. ]
Kotone, no one's done with you, [ she interjects while sitting on the edge of the bed closest to her. ] We wouldn't even be here if we were. You aren't.... [ yukari takes a steadying breath, recognizing that her tone sounds dangerously close to angry when that's far from the truth. ]
No one is here to say you have to change or be less. Especially not me or Mitsuru.
[ She'd looked up from the floor as Kotone talked, opened her mouth to reply ... but then she remembered what had happened the last time she'd spoken before she could think, and reflexively bit the words back before any of them could actually escape.
[ Yukari interjecting had bought her the moment she needed to recover ]
She's right, Kotone. [ Mitsuru takes a half-step forward. ] I didn't want to push you away ... and I know that it might sound hollow given what I did, but hurting you was the last thing I wanted.
[ she looks up when yukari finally says something, taking that in. then, mitsuru says the same thing and steps closer.
kotone had been terrified that she'd ruined things, with both of them. things were so... different now. she looks at both of her friends in turn, and finally, takes a deep breath in an effort to steady herself. two beats, and she exhales. ]
... Okay. [ she sounds a little more certain, now. the edge of despair that had crept into her voice has vanished. ] So... let's talk.
[ Mitsuru had never stopped hoping that things could be repaired between them, but in situations like this, there's always that lingering doubt ... that voice whispering 'what if' until the worst-case scenario seems nearly unavoidable.
[ Hearing that note of certainty in Kotone's voice, however small it may be, releases some of the tension that Mitsuru had been carrying. It was concrete evidence that their relationship wasn't damaged beyond repair, and even though they still had a great deal to discuss before things could return to something that even vaguely resembled normal ... it's hard to describe what a relief that was.
[ Mitsuru signals her agreement with a small nod, and then took in a deep breath. She was quiet, briefly, trying to sort through the things that she needed to say and assemble those thoughts into some loose order. Then: ]
I was ... quite shaken, when you said that you would have come with me if I had decided to run away. Hearing you say it aloud, I realized the depths of my feelings for you.
[ She tries to swallow down the lump forming in her throat. ]
I don't know that I'd ever felt that way before, and as I struggled to understand that, so many other questions raced through my mind. Had I felt this way before without even realizing it? How long had I harbored these feelings? Did you feel the same way ...? It was all so overwhelming, and when you abruptly withdrew and pushed me away, I ...
[ Another deep breath to try and steady herself, but there was a raggedness to this one. ]
It hurt. I barely understood what I was feeling, and I didn't know what I might have done to upset you.
[ She draws into her self a little bit, arms folding across her midsection. ]
I don't say any of this to justify my behavior, because I should have never allowed that pain and confusion to dictate my actions, I just ... I want you to understand the state of mind that I was in for what followed.
['It's never mattered what I wanted, Mitsuru.'
['It's never mattered why I wanted it, either.'
['And I'm dead, so it's not going to start now.' ]
I couldn't stand hearing you talk about yourself like that ... nor could I stand the thought of losing you again ... something inside of me snapped. I shouted, and I knew what I had done the moment that I finished speaking. I ... I've regretted it ever since.
You were suffering so much more than I realized ... and when you tried to tell me, I snapped at you.
[ With that, Mitsuru uncrosses her arms, allows them to fall to her sides, and bows to Kotone, lowering her head until she's bent at the waist. ]
You deserved a friend in that moment, and I failed you mere minutes after promising that I would always be there for you ...
[ She's holding back tears. Even with her face hidden by the thick curtain of her hair, the way her voice quavers makes it all too obvious. ]
[ yukari listened to this story not more than ten minutes ago, but watching mitsuru struggle to repeat it in front of the person she hurt, the person she lov--she can't finish the thought without something foul roiling beneath the surface. so she doesn't.--cares about hits harder than expected. while the situation wasn't the best, there's only so much blame mitsuru should put on herself. everything that had transpired on the mountain had been an accident, a stray thread of conversation that lead to an unraveling.
it's a far cry from her and kotone's moment in the quiet copse of trees where she knew her choice would be like throwing a match into a dry forest.
the guilt, always present ever since that night, weighs heavy in the silence that follows mitsuru's apology. hadn't she said they shouldn't waste another minute? and there's no better time than now to speak.
quietly: ]
And I'm sorry, too. For backing off after we, [ yukari pauses and shakes her head, deciding to start over with a more truthful version of events, ] after I kissed you. There was the reflection in the Hall and me messing up what you had with Aigis and....
Everything was so messed up. ...because I was the one who caused a lot of it. So rather than be the friend you needed, I pulled away.
[ 'i won't ever be that weak.' time has proven her a liar yet again. ]
You don't deserve that. Especially not from someone who considers you one of their best friends.
[ there is so, so much here. she has no idea where to begin. first with what mitsuru says—and how much mitsuru has obviously been tormenting herself over it, how much she'd hurt her that night in return, is obvious on its face. that, on its own, would be a lot to take in and try to find some response to.
then... then yukari adds her own apology. the mention of the kiss was one complicating factor, but then...
then, yukari mentions the one person kotone hasn't even been able to bear to say the name of. and kotone freezes. her eyes move away from her friends towards the floor, as she tries to breathe. her heart hammers in her chest, pulse in her ears, and then...
no. she refuses to make all of this about her. mitsuru and yukari are hurting, and trying to fix this. the least she can do is meet them halfway. ]
... C'mere. Both of you. [ she finally forces a breath and rises to her feet, pulling mitsuru into a hug and gesturing with her free arm for yukari to join in too. it's an imperfect response, and kotone will still need to address what they've said... but it's a start. she wants to stop keeping them at a distance, and there's no better way to demonstrate it. ]
[ As Yukari begins to speak, Mitsuru remains as she was, her head bowed to Kotone. She stays that way, silently allowing Yukari to say her piece until ...
[ ' ... after I kissed you.'
[ Her eyes snap up from the floorboards, back slowly straightening as her attention shifts from Kotone to Yukari. Something heavy pressed against her chest, settled in her stomach. She barely had time to process it before Yukari mentioned Aigis - that she'd messed up what Kotone had with her.
[ For a moment, Mitsuru is confused. She doesn't understand what Yukari means, so her gaze shifts back to Kotone. She watches Kotone stiffen, sees her eyes fall to the floor, hears the faint huff of breath leave her ...
[ And suddenly, she understands.
[ If you saw Kotone and Aigis together, it would be all but impossible not to see the deep connection that they shared. Mitsuru had always attributed it to the history that they shared, and Aigis's singular devotion to her. She ... she hadn't considered the possibility that their connection had become romantic, but given that history and devotion, it made all the sense in the world.
[ Being separated from the one that she ... from the one that she loved must have been agonizing for Kotone. Sharing a kiss with Yukari would have felt like a betrayal, and Mitsuru's own affections would have gouged at that open wound ...
[ Of course Kotone had pushed her away ...
[ When Kotone finally spoke, Mitsuru barely heard her. The words were distant and indistinct, as though whispered at the end of a hallway. She was dragged out of her own thoughts when Kotone embraced her, but not completely ...
[ Even through the immense relief that gesture brought, it still hurt to know that Kotone had fallen in love with someone else. It tore at her, knowing that there might have been a chance for them if she'd only understood her own heart well enough to act. It stung knowing that the two people she loved the most had shared the sort of intimacy that she wanted so dearly ...
[ ... and she felt guilty for feeling any of it.
[ That pain and guilt and heartache threatened to dominate her thoughts. Letting it happen would have been so, so easy ...
[ But she didn't. She pushed against it, pushed as hard as she could, because she was done allowing these petty, selfish, weak emotions poison the friendships that mattered the most to her.
[ Maybe she couldn't rid herself of those feelings entirely, but they weren't going to rule her any further, and they weren't going to stop her from being the sort of friend that those around her deserved.
[ After a moment of tension, she all but melts into the hug. She puts her arms around Kotone and squeezes her tight. She buries her face in the shorter girl's hair for a moment, feeling herself start to tear up ...
[ And then she, too extends her arm towards Yukari. ]
[ unease prickles under her skin in the long silence that follows. sidestepping around everything that'd transpired at the hall may not have been the best decision, but derailing mitsuru's pain to talk about herself had felt scummy at best, disingenuous at worst. the idea of it turns her stomach.
she'll apologize for that later (sorry for not trusting you, sorry for hiding away again, sorry for being me, i'm so sorry), but evenly meets mitsuru's wide-eyed stare for a brief moment before turning back to kotone. yukari doesn't miss the way she all but flinches at the briefest mention of aigis. there'd been a time where every other sentence was about her, and now she couldn't even bear to hear the name of the girl she loves.
they will have to talk about her, painful as it may be. it won't be tonight or tomorrow, but ignoring the elephant in the room is untenable. it's what caused this whole mess in the first place. continuing to do so would just bring them right where they started. not that they've gone very far in the last few months.
still, they've made a start, however tentative it may be, and the hug between mitsuru and kotone bleeds most of the tension out of the room. she sighs, shoulders drooping in relief as the corners of her mouth curl upward. maybe things can finally get back to their own weird brand of normal.
or at least that was her thought before both of them ask her to join in to the embrace. it's far more kindness than yukari deserves considering her role in all this, but she can't deny the offer warms her from the inside out.
and if they ask, all she can do is step forward to meet them.
tentatively, yukari steps into the hug and practically melts at the physical contact, leaning into mitsuru's side as she wraps an arm around kotone's waist.
[ kotone all but melts herself from the affection and warmth of all of this. her arm stays firmly around mitsuru's waist, leaning into the contact from her co-leader as she pulls yukari a little closer as well. her eyes slip closed, breathing slowing as she tries to simply... relax. this sort of contact is more familiar with yukari, but it feels right with both of them. ]
I don't... really know what I want, [ she admits that at last, half against yukari's shoulder, ] but... she wouldn't want me to just sit and pine, would she?
[ kotone goes quiet, even as she opens her eyes again. the suggestion of what might come next still feels too big. ]
[ Just like Kotone, Mitsuru allows her eyes to drift shut once Yukari enters the embrace.
[ She says nothing. She simply savors the relief washing over her in waves, and the warmth of having them both within her arms.
[ When Kotone speaks, her eyes open but she doesn't speak in kind. At least not for a moment or two, while she digests what was said ... and what those words might imply. ]
I ...
[ She hesitates. Even though she agrees, doing so outright feels ... self-serving. Even though there's a flicker of hope within her, she doesn't want whatever advice she gives to be colored by the ... the romantic interest she harbors. ]
I certainly don't think she would want you to feel this alone ... or to isolate yourself.
[ She looks to Yukari. She's ... she's not sure what insight she's searching for, but Yukari always seems to figure out what needs to be said. ]
[ yukari looks back at mitsuru with wide eyes, eyebrows raised in mild surprise. the implications are...a lot. especially since they've all admitted there are feelings too intense for 'just friends' between the three of them.
regardless of the circumstances, the answer is obvious. ]
Mitsuru's right. [ yukari turns toward kotone, voice soft and kiss to her forehead even softer. ] Even if you aren't sure what you want or how to get it, she'd want you to be happy. Use this second chance to live the best life you can. Whatever that might look like.
[ she listens as mitsuru and yukari speak up, relaxing against them both. her eyes widen a fraction at the feeling of yukari's lips, but then...
she can't do this, some part of her still insists. even so... kotone silences that voice. she finally nods against yukari, and shifts her position, eyed slipping closed as she moves up to brush her lips against mitsuru's. talking about this is... hard, still nearly impossibly so, but she knows what she wants. her arm stays firmly around yukari as well, almost desperate to keep her close. ]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-10-14 01:35 am (UTC)[ it stands to reason that the two of them--this mysterious mysterious version of ryoji and even more igor--were connected to the contract somehow. were this a more trivial mystery, yukari would dig into it, but.... well. she already knows heartbreak lies in wait at the end. ]
I didn't ask what that meant. It...wasn't really the time. [ nor was it after escaping the hall or after they'd kis--no. no thinking about it. ] She never said anything about what happened being...I don't know, fate or something, but that's just the thing, isn't it? She never talked about it. Ever. You can't blame yourself for not knowing she was hurting.
And don't say you're not because you are. [ yukari fixes mitsuru with a piercing stare that very few people in camelot or otherwise would get away with. ] Otherwise, you wouldn't stay holed up in your room for days avoiding everyone. This isn't-- [ she pauses, wondering if what she wants to say next is too harsh, but sets her shoulders before continuing, ] This isn't how you make up for thinking you're a bad friend.
This isn't working. Talking to her is the only way to fix this.
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Date: 2021-10-14 03:53 am (UTC)[ Yukari is right. The longer that she and Kotone drift in this agonizing limbo, the more and more difficult bridging this distance between them will become. But ... ]
I'm afraid, Yukari.
[ She sounds it, too. Uncharacteristically small and fragile and uncertain. But she doesn't shy away from Yuakri's gaze admitting it. ]
I'm afraid that I'll hurt her again, and lose her forever because of it.
[ Mitsuru wipes at her eyes again. ]
Whatever else that I might have wanted ... whatever else I might feel for her ... none of that matters now. All that I want is to avoid losing one of the two people in my life that matter the most to me.
[ For all the money and influence and reach that she has, the truth is that her world is a very small thing. It might have expanded a great deal from what it once was, even with the loss of her father, but if you distilled it down to the things that mean everything to her ...?
[ She has the Group.
[ She has Akihiko, Aragaki-san, Yamagishi-chan, Aigis, Amada-kun, Iori-san, and Koromaru.
[ She has Yukari and Kotone. ]
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Date: 2021-10-15 09:16 pm (UTC)[ she knows her words are frank to the point of being harsh, but she doesn't break eye contact or shy away. mitsuru is more than a best friend; she's one of those people yukari can't imagine living without. watching her struggle under the weight of her own misery is agony. for everyone involved.
it has to stop. ]
Last year taught me that we have to say what we mean when we can because sometimes we don't--we won't get that chance. ...and we're already on chance two. [ yukari wraps her arm around mitsuru's shoulders and pulls her closer. (later, she won't understand why doing so feels like instinct. like it's natural.) ] I can be there when you two talk if it'll help. That way we'll face something scary together. Just like we always do.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-15 10:10 pm (UTC)[ The words sting, enough that Mitsuru winces slightly, but once again Yukari is right. This status quo was inherently unstable. Lingering here would only lead to more pain and heartache. Some part of her had understood that already, but she'd somehow managed to talk herself past that simple truth. Staying as she was, paralyzed by fear and guilt, would mean that their second chance - their miraculous, impossible second chance - would be wasted.
[ However afraid she might be ... she would never forgive herself for allowing that to happen without a fight.
[ Mitsuru allowed herself to be drawn into the embrace, and rested her head against Yukari's shoulder. A year ago, such an intimate moment would have been virtually unthinkable, but it was such an easy, comfortable thing now ... ]
Thank you.
[ She took in a long, slow breath. Drew comfort and strength from her friend's presence. ]
With you by my side, it's a little less frightening.
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Date: 2021-10-17 03:41 am (UTC)she rests her head against mitsuru's and says, gently, ] You're welcome. I'm just glad I can help.
Whenever you're ready, we can head in there together.
[ her tone lacks any urgency in making her choose a time frame on when that should be. today, tomorrow, a week from now--it doesn't matter. yukari will be there by her side, regardless. ]
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Date: 2021-10-17 04:36 am (UTC)[ Her eyes drift shut, and Mitsuru falls silent for a few, long moments. Enjoying the warmth and closeness, doing what she could to steal her nerves.
[ Then, quietly: ]
I'm ready.
[ She takes in a steadying breath, removes herself from Yukari's arms, and rises to her feet. She extends a hand to help Yukari up. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-17 05:34 pm (UTC)a grim part of her wonders if kotone is trying to make it that way on purpose.
yukari finally lets go of her hand and steps to the side, giving mitsuru an expectant look. willing as she is to back her up, that's all she is--support. only one person should be knocking on that door. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-17 06:02 pm (UTC)[ Standing outside Kotone's door now felt the way that it had in the month before Mitsuru arrived at Avalon ... it felt as though she would open the door, and see an empty room that carried only an echo of her friend, reverberating through the space she should have occupied. And in some sense, that might very well be the case ... it all depended on the would follow.
[ It stunned her. Caused her to hesitate until the silence and all that it dragged up out of her memory became unbearable.
[ She couldn't stay here, surrounded by it, so she pressed forward as she said she would.
[ She reached out, and broke the silence with a knock on the door. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-17 06:14 pm (UTC)kotone had been listening to music, but on headphones, beneath the sheets. still, the sound at the door broke through. she pauses it and pulls herself to her feet, tugging a worn pink hoodie on over the clothes she slept in the night before—
and at last, she opens the door a crack, peering out. ]
Oh. Hi, Mitsuru. [ she glances past the redhead, noticing the other girl's presence as well. ]... Yukari, too. What's up?
[ she doesn't sound anything but... tired, to be honest. as if something bone-deep has settled in. it isn't the same as how she seemed in february, mercifully, but even so. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-17 06:33 pm (UTC)I ... I was hoping we could talk.
[ She sounds tired, too. ]
May we come in?
no subject
Date: 2021-10-17 06:45 pm (UTC)kotone drops into a seat at her desk and pulls her legs up beneath her in the chair, gesturing towards her bed. it's clear she should probably let them start. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-17 08:35 pm (UTC)[ In any case, she doesn't take the seat offered to her. Not yet, at least. Not until she's said her part.
[ She ... she isn't sure how to start. Part of her wants to indulge in some sort of small-talk, to ease herself into it for the sake of her nerves ... but she's delayed this enough already -- more than enough. Stalling further wouldn't do either of them any good.
[ It takes Mitsuru a moment to find her voice, but then ...: ]
I wanted to apologize. [ She says softly, turning her gaze downward as though she hadn't earned the right to look into Kotone's eyes. ] For the way that I acted while we were questing together.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-17 09:34 pm (UTC)... You don't have to apologize. I had it coming. I know how it works, y'know? [ she laughs a brittle, slightly wet laugh, rubbing at her eyes. ] I end up being too much, or I can't be what they want, and people decide they're done with me. I guess I tricked myself into thinking it wasn't going to happen with you guys, too.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-18 04:16 am (UTC)but then kotone says that and her razor-thin resolve snaps. ]
Kotone, no one's done with you, [ she interjects while sitting on the edge of the bed closest to her. ] We wouldn't even be here if we were. You aren't.... [ yukari takes a steadying breath, recognizing that her tone sounds dangerously close to angry when that's far from the truth. ]
No one is here to say you have to change or be less. Especially not me or Mitsuru.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-18 06:11 am (UTC)[ She'd looked up from the floor as Kotone talked, opened her mouth to reply ... but then she remembered what had happened the last time she'd spoken before she could think, and reflexively bit the words back before any of them could actually escape.
[ Yukari interjecting had bought her the moment she needed to recover ]
She's right, Kotone. [ Mitsuru takes a half-step forward. ] I didn't want to push you away ... and I know that it might sound hollow given what I did, but hurting you was the last thing I wanted.
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Date: 2021-10-18 08:01 am (UTC)kotone had been terrified that she'd ruined things, with both of them. things were so... different now. she looks at both of her friends in turn, and finally, takes a deep breath in an effort to steady herself. two beats, and she exhales. ]
... Okay. [ she sounds a little more certain, now. the edge of despair that had crept into her voice has vanished. ] So... let's talk.
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Date: 2021-10-19 02:03 am (UTC)[ Hearing that note of certainty in Kotone's voice, however small it may be, releases some of the tension that Mitsuru had been carrying. It was concrete evidence that their relationship wasn't damaged beyond repair, and even though they still had a great deal to discuss before things could return to something that even vaguely resembled normal ... it's hard to describe what a relief that was.
[ Mitsuru signals her agreement with a small nod, and then took in a deep breath. She was quiet, briefly, trying to sort through the things that she needed to say and assemble those thoughts into some loose order. Then: ]
I was ... quite shaken, when you said that you would have come with me if I had decided to run away. Hearing you say it aloud, I realized the depths of my feelings for you.
[ She tries to swallow down the lump forming in her throat. ]
I don't know that I'd ever felt that way before, and as I struggled to understand that, so many other questions raced through my mind. Had I felt this way before without even realizing it? How long had I harbored these feelings? Did you feel the same way ...? It was all so overwhelming, and when you abruptly withdrew and pushed me away, I ...
[ Another deep breath to try and steady herself, but there was a raggedness to this one. ]
It hurt. I barely understood what I was feeling, and I didn't know what I might have done to upset you.
[ She draws into her self a little bit, arms folding across her midsection. ]
I don't say any of this to justify my behavior, because I should have never allowed that pain and confusion to dictate my actions, I just ... I want you to understand the state of mind that I was in for what followed.
['It's never mattered what I wanted, Mitsuru.'
['It's never mattered why I wanted it, either.'
['And I'm dead, so it's not going to start now.' ]
I couldn't stand hearing you talk about yourself like that ... nor could I stand the thought of losing you again ... something inside of me snapped. I shouted, and I knew what I had done the moment that I finished speaking. I ... I've regretted it ever since.
You were suffering so much more than I realized ... and when you tried to tell me, I snapped at you.
[ With that, Mitsuru uncrosses her arms, allows them to fall to her sides, and bows to Kotone, lowering her head until she's bent at the waist. ]
You deserved a friend in that moment, and I failed you mere minutes after promising that I would always be there for you ...
[ She's holding back tears. Even with her face hidden by the thick curtain of her hair, the way her voice quavers makes it all too obvious. ]
I'm sorry, Kotone ... I'm so, so sorry ...
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Date: 2021-10-29 02:02 am (UTC)it's a far cry from her and kotone's moment in the quiet copse of trees where she knew her choice would be like throwing a match into a dry forest.
the guilt, always present ever since that night, weighs heavy in the silence that follows mitsuru's apology. hadn't she said they shouldn't waste another minute? and there's no better time than now to speak.
quietly: ]
And I'm sorry, too. For backing off after we, [ yukari pauses and shakes her head, deciding to start over with a more truthful version of events, ] after I kissed you. There was the reflection in the Hall and me messing up what you had with Aigis and....
Everything was so messed up. ...because I was the one who caused a lot of it. So rather than be the friend you needed, I pulled away.
[ 'i won't ever be that weak.' time has proven her a liar yet again. ]
You don't deserve that. Especially not from someone who considers you one of their best friends.
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Date: 2021-10-29 03:25 am (UTC)then... then yukari adds her own apology. the mention of the kiss was one complicating factor, but then...
then, yukari mentions the one person kotone hasn't even been able to bear to say the name of. and kotone freezes. her eyes move away from her friends towards the floor, as she tries to breathe. her heart hammers in her chest, pulse in her ears, and then...
no. she refuses to make all of this about her. mitsuru and yukari are hurting, and trying to fix this. the least she can do is meet them halfway. ]
... C'mere. Both of you. [ she finally forces a breath and rises to her feet, pulling mitsuru into a hug and gesturing with her free arm for yukari to join in too. it's an imperfect response, and kotone will still need to address what they've said... but it's a start. she wants to stop keeping them at a distance, and there's no better way to demonstrate it. ]
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Date: 2021-10-29 04:44 am (UTC)[ ' ... after I kissed you.'
[ Her eyes snap up from the floorboards, back slowly straightening as her attention shifts from Kotone to Yukari. Something heavy pressed against her chest, settled in her stomach. She barely had time to process it before Yukari mentioned Aigis - that she'd messed up what Kotone had with her.
[ For a moment, Mitsuru is confused. She doesn't understand what Yukari means, so her gaze shifts back to Kotone. She watches Kotone stiffen, sees her eyes fall to the floor, hears the faint huff of breath leave her ...
[ And suddenly, she understands.
[ If you saw Kotone and Aigis together, it would be all but impossible not to see the deep connection that they shared. Mitsuru had always attributed it to the history that they shared, and Aigis's singular devotion to her. She ... she hadn't considered the possibility that their connection had become romantic, but given that history and devotion, it made all the sense in the world.
[ Being separated from the one that she ... from the one that she loved must have been agonizing for Kotone. Sharing a kiss with Yukari would have felt like a betrayal, and Mitsuru's own affections would have gouged at that open wound ...
[ Of course Kotone had pushed her away ...
[ When Kotone finally spoke, Mitsuru barely heard her. The words were distant and indistinct, as though whispered at the end of a hallway. She was dragged out of her own thoughts when Kotone embraced her, but not completely ...
[ Even through the immense relief that gesture brought, it still hurt to know that Kotone had fallen in love with someone else. It tore at her, knowing that there might have been a chance for them if she'd only understood her own heart well enough to act. It stung knowing that the two people she loved the most had shared the sort of intimacy that she wanted so dearly ...
[ ... and she felt guilty for feeling any of it.
[ That pain and guilt and heartache threatened to dominate her thoughts. Letting it happen would have been so, so easy ...
[ But she didn't. She pushed against it, pushed as hard as she could, because she was done allowing these petty, selfish, weak emotions poison the friendships that mattered the most to her.
[ Maybe she couldn't rid herself of those feelings entirely, but they weren't going to rule her any further, and they weren't going to stop her from being the sort of friend that those around her deserved.
[ After a moment of tension, she all but melts into the hug. She puts her arms around Kotone and squeezes her tight. She buries her face in the shorter girl's hair for a moment, feeling herself start to tear up ...
[ And then she, too extends her arm towards Yukari. ]
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Date: 2021-12-07 06:22 am (UTC)she'll apologize for that later (sorry for not trusting you, sorry for hiding away again, sorry for being me, i'm so sorry), but evenly meets mitsuru's wide-eyed stare for a brief moment before turning back to kotone. yukari doesn't miss the way she all but flinches at the briefest mention of aigis. there'd been a time where every other sentence was about her, and now she couldn't even bear to hear the name of the girl she loves.
they will have to talk about her, painful as it may be. it won't be tonight or tomorrow, but ignoring the elephant in the room is untenable. it's what caused this whole mess in the first place. continuing to do so would just bring them right where they started. not that they've gone very far in the last few months.
still, they've made a start, however tentative it may be, and the hug between mitsuru and kotone bleeds most of the tension out of the room. she sighs, shoulders drooping in relief as the corners of her mouth curl upward. maybe things can finally get back to their own weird brand of normal.
or at least that was her thought before both of them ask her to join in to the embrace. it's far more kindness than yukari deserves considering her role in all this, but she can't deny the offer warms her from the inside out.
and if they ask, all she can do is step forward to meet them.
tentatively, yukari steps into the hug and practically melts at the physical contact, leaning into mitsuru's side as she wraps an arm around kotone's waist.
god, she'd missed them. ]
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Date: 2021-12-07 06:51 am (UTC)I don't... really know what I want, [ she admits that at last, half against yukari's shoulder, ] but... she wouldn't want me to just sit and pine, would she?
[ kotone goes quiet, even as she opens her eyes again. the suggestion of what might come next still feels too big. ]
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Date: 2021-12-07 07:08 am (UTC)[ She says nothing. She simply savors the relief washing over her in waves, and the warmth of having them both within her arms.
[ When Kotone speaks, her eyes open but she doesn't speak in kind. At least not for a moment or two, while she digests what was said ... and what those words might imply. ]
I ...
[ She hesitates. Even though she agrees, doing so outright feels ... self-serving. Even though there's a flicker of hope within her, she doesn't want whatever advice she gives to be colored by the ... the romantic interest she harbors. ]
I certainly don't think she would want you to feel this alone ... or to isolate yourself.
[ She looks to Yukari. She's ... she's not sure what insight she's searching for, but Yukari always seems to figure out what needs to be said. ]
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Date: 2021-12-08 11:38 pm (UTC)regardless of the circumstances, the answer is obvious. ]
Mitsuru's right. [ yukari turns toward kotone, voice soft and kiss to her forehead even softer. ] Even if you aren't sure what you want or how to get it, she'd want you to be happy. Use this second chance to live the best life you can. Whatever that might look like.
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Date: 2021-12-08 11:49 pm (UTC)she can't do this, some part of her still insists. even so... kotone silences that voice. she finally nods against yukari, and shifts her position, eyed slipping closed as she moves up to brush her lips against mitsuru's. talking about this is... hard, still nearly impossibly so, but she knows what she wants. her arm stays firmly around yukari as well, almost desperate to keep her close. ]
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