[ she takes the offered hand and stands up, but doesn't let go, leading them out of mitsuru's room and down the hall to stand in front of kotone's. compared to the usual muffled music blaring or animated conversation that greeted you when facing her shut door, it's...quiet. eerily so. right now, it's more reminiscent of a grave.
a grim part of her wonders if kotone is trying to make it that way on purpose.
yukari finally lets go of her hand and steps to the side, giving mitsuru an expectant look. willing as she is to back her up, that's all she is--support. only one person should be knocking on that door. ]
[ She should be, and she will be ... she's just, as struck by that silence as Yukari is.
[ Standing outside Kotone's door now felt the way that it had in the month before Mitsuru arrived at Avalon ... it felt as though she would open the door, and see an empty room that carried only an echo of her friend, reverberating through the space she should have occupied. And in some sense, that might very well be the case ... it all depended on the would follow.
[ It stunned her. Caused her to hesitate until the silence and all that it dragged up out of her memory became unbearable.
[ She couldn't stay here, surrounded by it, so she pressed forward as she said she would.
[ She reached out, and broke the silence with a knock on the door. ]
[ she knows they've all been giving her a wide berth, these weeks. yukari and mitsuru because of her traitorous heart and poor judgement, shinji because... he just wasn't one to push. the knock is a surprise.
kotone had been listening to music, but on headphones, beneath the sheets. still, the sound at the door broke through. she pauses it and pulls herself to her feet, tugging a worn pink hoodie on over the clothes she slept in the night before—
and at last, she opens the door a crack, peering out. ]
Oh. Hi, Mitsuru. [ she glances past the redhead, noticing the other girl's presence as well. ]... Yukari, too. What's up?
[ she doesn't sound anything but... tired, to be honest. as if something bone-deep has settled in. it isn't the same as how she seemed in february, mercifully, but even so. ]
Um... yeah. Yeah, that's fine. [ kotone takes a breath, opening the door wider and rubbing at her eyes. the room isn't quite a mess, but it's clear she's only paid the most basic mind to picking up after herself for a while. along with the instruments and books on music theory, there are two bell jars that might stand out on her desk. each frosted with pink etchings of bones and butterflies, each encapsulating a plant. one is a red spider lily—autumn, death, departure, fated meetings—and the other is a cutting of sakura. obvious on its face.
kotone drops into a seat at her desk and pulls her legs up beneath her in the chair, gesturing towards her bed. it's clear she should probably let them start. ]
[ Mitsuru's eyes linger on those plants as she enters the room. Their meaning isn't lost on her, and she feels another pang of guilt knowing that her actions have left Kotone to dwell on all of her problems alone ... She tries to keep it from showing on her face, but she isn't entirely certain whether or not she's managed that.
[ In any case, she doesn't take the seat offered to her. Not yet, at least. Not until she's said her part.
[ She ... she isn't sure how to start. Part of her wants to indulge in some sort of small-talk, to ease herself into it for the sake of her nerves ... but she's delayed this enough already -- more than enough. Stalling further wouldn't do either of them any good.
[ It takes Mitsuru a moment to find her voice, but then ...: ]
I wanted to apologize. [ She says softly, turning her gaze downward as though she hadn't earned the right to look into Kotone's eyes. ] For the way that I acted while we were questing together.
[ kotone doesn't meet mitsuru's eyes, either. finally, she shakes her head. ]
... You don't have to apologize. I had it coming. I know how it works, y'know? [ she laughs a brittle, slightly wet laugh, rubbing at her eyes. ] I end up being too much, or I can't be what they want, and people decide they're done with me. I guess I tricked myself into thinking it wasn't going to happen with you guys, too.
[ yukari is committed to staying quiet as they talk things out. this is a conversation between mitsuru and kotone and although she has plenty to add, this isn't the time. it can wait.
but then kotone says that and her razor-thin resolve snaps. ]
Kotone, no one's done with you, [ she interjects while sitting on the edge of the bed closest to her. ] We wouldn't even be here if we were. You aren't.... [ yukari takes a steadying breath, recognizing that her tone sounds dangerously close to angry when that's far from the truth. ]
No one is here to say you have to change or be less. Especially not me or Mitsuru.
[ She'd looked up from the floor as Kotone talked, opened her mouth to reply ... but then she remembered what had happened the last time she'd spoken before she could think, and reflexively bit the words back before any of them could actually escape.
[ Yukari interjecting had bought her the moment she needed to recover ]
She's right, Kotone. [ Mitsuru takes a half-step forward. ] I didn't want to push you away ... and I know that it might sound hollow given what I did, but hurting you was the last thing I wanted.
[ she looks up when yukari finally says something, taking that in. then, mitsuru says the same thing and steps closer.
kotone had been terrified that she'd ruined things, with both of them. things were so... different now. she looks at both of her friends in turn, and finally, takes a deep breath in an effort to steady herself. two beats, and she exhales. ]
... Okay. [ she sounds a little more certain, now. the edge of despair that had crept into her voice has vanished. ] So... let's talk.
[ Mitsuru had never stopped hoping that things could be repaired between them, but in situations like this, there's always that lingering doubt ... that voice whispering 'what if' until the worst-case scenario seems nearly unavoidable.
[ Hearing that note of certainty in Kotone's voice, however small it may be, releases some of the tension that Mitsuru had been carrying. It was concrete evidence that their relationship wasn't damaged beyond repair, and even though they still had a great deal to discuss before things could return to something that even vaguely resembled normal ... it's hard to describe what a relief that was.
[ Mitsuru signals her agreement with a small nod, and then took in a deep breath. She was quiet, briefly, trying to sort through the things that she needed to say and assemble those thoughts into some loose order. Then: ]
I was ... quite shaken, when you said that you would have come with me if I had decided to run away. Hearing you say it aloud, I realized the depths of my feelings for you.
[ She tries to swallow down the lump forming in her throat. ]
I don't know that I'd ever felt that way before, and as I struggled to understand that, so many other questions raced through my mind. Had I felt this way before without even realizing it? How long had I harbored these feelings? Did you feel the same way ...? It was all so overwhelming, and when you abruptly withdrew and pushed me away, I ...
[ Another deep breath to try and steady herself, but there was a raggedness to this one. ]
It hurt. I barely understood what I was feeling, and I didn't know what I might have done to upset you.
[ She draws into her self a little bit, arms folding across her midsection. ]
I don't say any of this to justify my behavior, because I should have never allowed that pain and confusion to dictate my actions, I just ... I want you to understand the state of mind that I was in for what followed.
['It's never mattered what I wanted, Mitsuru.'
['It's never mattered why I wanted it, either.'
['And I'm dead, so it's not going to start now.' ]
I couldn't stand hearing you talk about yourself like that ... nor could I stand the thought of losing you again ... something inside of me snapped. I shouted, and I knew what I had done the moment that I finished speaking. I ... I've regretted it ever since.
You were suffering so much more than I realized ... and when you tried to tell me, I snapped at you.
[ With that, Mitsuru uncrosses her arms, allows them to fall to her sides, and bows to Kotone, lowering her head until she's bent at the waist. ]
You deserved a friend in that moment, and I failed you mere minutes after promising that I would always be there for you ...
[ She's holding back tears. Even with her face hidden by the thick curtain of her hair, the way her voice quavers makes it all too obvious. ]
[ yukari listened to this story not more than ten minutes ago, but watching mitsuru struggle to repeat it in front of the person she hurt, the person she lov--she can't finish the thought without something foul roiling beneath the surface. so she doesn't.--cares about hits harder than expected. while the situation wasn't the best, there's only so much blame mitsuru should put on herself. everything that had transpired on the mountain had been an accident, a stray thread of conversation that lead to an unraveling.
it's a far cry from her and kotone's moment in the quiet copse of trees where she knew her choice would be like throwing a match into a dry forest.
the guilt, always present ever since that night, weighs heavy in the silence that follows mitsuru's apology. hadn't she said they shouldn't waste another minute? and there's no better time than now to speak.
quietly: ]
And I'm sorry, too. For backing off after we, [ yukari pauses and shakes her head, deciding to start over with a more truthful version of events, ] after I kissed you. There was the reflection in the Hall and me messing up what you had with Aigis and....
Everything was so messed up. ...because I was the one who caused a lot of it. So rather than be the friend you needed, I pulled away.
[ 'i won't ever be that weak.' time has proven her a liar yet again. ]
You don't deserve that. Especially not from someone who considers you one of their best friends.
[ there is so, so much here. she has no idea where to begin. first with what mitsuru says—and how much mitsuru has obviously been tormenting herself over it, how much she'd hurt her that night in return, is obvious on its face. that, on its own, would be a lot to take in and try to find some response to.
then... then yukari adds her own apology. the mention of the kiss was one complicating factor, but then...
then, yukari mentions the one person kotone hasn't even been able to bear to say the name of. and kotone freezes. her eyes move away from her friends towards the floor, as she tries to breathe. her heart hammers in her chest, pulse in her ears, and then...
no. she refuses to make all of this about her. mitsuru and yukari are hurting, and trying to fix this. the least she can do is meet them halfway. ]
... C'mere. Both of you. [ she finally forces a breath and rises to her feet, pulling mitsuru into a hug and gesturing with her free arm for yukari to join in too. it's an imperfect response, and kotone will still need to address what they've said... but it's a start. she wants to stop keeping them at a distance, and there's no better way to demonstrate it. ]
[ As Yukari begins to speak, Mitsuru remains as she was, her head bowed to Kotone. She stays that way, silently allowing Yukari to say her piece until ...
[ ' ... after I kissed you.'
[ Her eyes snap up from the floorboards, back slowly straightening as her attention shifts from Kotone to Yukari. Something heavy pressed against her chest, settled in her stomach. She barely had time to process it before Yukari mentioned Aigis - that she'd messed up what Kotone had with her.
[ For a moment, Mitsuru is confused. She doesn't understand what Yukari means, so her gaze shifts back to Kotone. She watches Kotone stiffen, sees her eyes fall to the floor, hears the faint huff of breath leave her ...
[ And suddenly, she understands.
[ If you saw Kotone and Aigis together, it would be all but impossible not to see the deep connection that they shared. Mitsuru had always attributed it to the history that they shared, and Aigis's singular devotion to her. She ... she hadn't considered the possibility that their connection had become romantic, but given that history and devotion, it made all the sense in the world.
[ Being separated from the one that she ... from the one that she loved must have been agonizing for Kotone. Sharing a kiss with Yukari would have felt like a betrayal, and Mitsuru's own affections would have gouged at that open wound ...
[ Of course Kotone had pushed her away ...
[ When Kotone finally spoke, Mitsuru barely heard her. The words were distant and indistinct, as though whispered at the end of a hallway. She was dragged out of her own thoughts when Kotone embraced her, but not completely ...
[ Even through the immense relief that gesture brought, it still hurt to know that Kotone had fallen in love with someone else. It tore at her, knowing that there might have been a chance for them if she'd only understood her own heart well enough to act. It stung knowing that the two people she loved the most had shared the sort of intimacy that she wanted so dearly ...
[ ... and she felt guilty for feeling any of it.
[ That pain and guilt and heartache threatened to dominate her thoughts. Letting it happen would have been so, so easy ...
[ But she didn't. She pushed against it, pushed as hard as she could, because she was done allowing these petty, selfish, weak emotions poison the friendships that mattered the most to her.
[ Maybe she couldn't rid herself of those feelings entirely, but they weren't going to rule her any further, and they weren't going to stop her from being the sort of friend that those around her deserved.
[ After a moment of tension, she all but melts into the hug. She puts her arms around Kotone and squeezes her tight. She buries her face in the shorter girl's hair for a moment, feeling herself start to tear up ...
[ And then she, too extends her arm towards Yukari. ]
[ unease prickles under her skin in the long silence that follows. sidestepping around everything that'd transpired at the hall may not have been the best decision, but derailing mitsuru's pain to talk about herself had felt scummy at best, disingenuous at worst. the idea of it turns her stomach.
she'll apologize for that later (sorry for not trusting you, sorry for hiding away again, sorry for being me, i'm so sorry), but evenly meets mitsuru's wide-eyed stare for a brief moment before turning back to kotone. yukari doesn't miss the way she all but flinches at the briefest mention of aigis. there'd been a time where every other sentence was about her, and now she couldn't even bear to hear the name of the girl she loves.
they will have to talk about her, painful as it may be. it won't be tonight or tomorrow, but ignoring the elephant in the room is untenable. it's what caused this whole mess in the first place. continuing to do so would just bring them right where they started. not that they've gone very far in the last few months.
still, they've made a start, however tentative it may be, and the hug between mitsuru and kotone bleeds most of the tension out of the room. she sighs, shoulders drooping in relief as the corners of her mouth curl upward. maybe things can finally get back to their own weird brand of normal.
or at least that was her thought before both of them ask her to join in to the embrace. it's far more kindness than yukari deserves considering her role in all this, but she can't deny the offer warms her from the inside out.
and if they ask, all she can do is step forward to meet them.
tentatively, yukari steps into the hug and practically melts at the physical contact, leaning into mitsuru's side as she wraps an arm around kotone's waist.
[ kotone all but melts herself from the affection and warmth of all of this. her arm stays firmly around mitsuru's waist, leaning into the contact from her co-leader as she pulls yukari a little closer as well. her eyes slip closed, breathing slowing as she tries to simply... relax. this sort of contact is more familiar with yukari, but it feels right with both of them. ]
I don't... really know what I want, [ she admits that at last, half against yukari's shoulder, ] but... she wouldn't want me to just sit and pine, would she?
[ kotone goes quiet, even as she opens her eyes again. the suggestion of what might come next still feels too big. ]
[ Just like Kotone, Mitsuru allows her eyes to drift shut once Yukari enters the embrace.
[ She says nothing. She simply savors the relief washing over her in waves, and the warmth of having them both within her arms.
[ When Kotone speaks, her eyes open but she doesn't speak in kind. At least not for a moment or two, while she digests what was said ... and what those words might imply. ]
I ...
[ She hesitates. Even though she agrees, doing so outright feels ... self-serving. Even though there's a flicker of hope within her, she doesn't want whatever advice she gives to be colored by the ... the romantic interest she harbors. ]
I certainly don't think she would want you to feel this alone ... or to isolate yourself.
[ She looks to Yukari. She's ... she's not sure what insight she's searching for, but Yukari always seems to figure out what needs to be said. ]
[ yukari looks back at mitsuru with wide eyes, eyebrows raised in mild surprise. the implications are...a lot. especially since they've all admitted there are feelings too intense for 'just friends' between the three of them.
regardless of the circumstances, the answer is obvious. ]
Mitsuru's right. [ yukari turns toward kotone, voice soft and kiss to her forehead even softer. ] Even if you aren't sure what you want or how to get it, she'd want you to be happy. Use this second chance to live the best life you can. Whatever that might look like.
[ she listens as mitsuru and yukari speak up, relaxing against them both. her eyes widen a fraction at the feeling of yukari's lips, but then...
she can't do this, some part of her still insists. even so... kotone silences that voice. she finally nods against yukari, and shifts her position, eyed slipping closed as she moves up to brush her lips against mitsuru's. talking about this is... hard, still nearly impossibly so, but she knows what she wants. her arm stays firmly around yukari as well, almost desperate to keep her close. ]
[ It ... it takes Mitsuru a moment to process what's happening.
[ She's tense at first. Not because it's unpleasant -- far, far from it -- she's just ... she's never kissed anyone before, and having this come at the end of everything that's been between them ...
[ It's overwhelming. Enough to leave her frozen in place for a solid second or two before this ... this warmth floods through her. Relief and elation sweep aside everything else and Mitsuru leans into the kiss, closing her eyes and pressing her lips against Kotone's - gentle, but not because of any shyness or trepidation. Her first kiss is with someone she loves ... one of the two people that mean more to her than anything ... she wants to savor that.
[ Throughout the kiss, though, she doesn't release her hold on Yukari either. If anything, her grip gets just a little tighter.
[ She knows what she wants, and that's why, whenever she and Kotone eventually break that kiss, after spending a few moments staring into Kotone's eyes, her gaze moves to Yukari. That's why she leans in close, shuts her eyes, and kisses her, too. ]
[ kotone kissing mitsuru is...fine. better than fine. they look good together, and they have so much to offer each other. more patience, more kindness, more--everything. so why won't they let her go?
when their kiss finally ends, her eyes meets mitsuru's and....
oh. oh, yukari knows what that look means. a dozen questions race through her mind (her; since when; oh my god is this real) before mitsuru's lips are on hers and are quickly answered (yes, yukari with all that entails; since who knows; this is very real). her eyes flutter shut as she deepens the kiss, surprised at how non-surprised she is to discover that kissing mitsuru feels just as natural as kissing kotone. instead, the idea that she's wanted by them both settles in, makes itself at home in her head and her heart as if it's always belonged there.
maybe it has.
she only pulls away when the lack of air begins to make her dizzy, pupils wide and breaths hard. yukari looks to kotone, yet doesn't lean forward to kiss her first. she wants to so, so badly, but.... the memory of the last time she did so still weighs heavy. ]
[ kotone deepens the kiss with mitsuru before she has the chance to pull away, shaking slightly as the reality of the situation begins to set in. still, she wants this. she wants them, wherever that leads. she meets mitsuru's eyes for those moments after the kiss, flashing a little breathless smile towards her.
then she sees mitsuru kiss yukari, and it feels... right. they might not have come together so immediately as she and yukari had, but mitsuru had grown close to both of them around the same time.
her heart aches at the wariness with which yukari looks to her in turn, at her fear to kiss her after what had happened last time. so kotone moves closer instead, pressing her lips to yukari's and parting them slightly, letting her fingers weave into her hair. ]
[ last time started as a purely selfish desire on her part. even if kotone kissed her back, that didn't change the fact she'd thrust it upon her with no warning. this moment, however, is a choice. yukari would rather it be a decision made on equal footing.
she sinks into the kiss with an audible sigh of relief, any remaining tension in her shoulders melting away as she leans into the touch. yukari's kissed her before, but she didn't do it right. so she tries again, all of the desperate longing from before replaced with gentle want. and she'll try again tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that. as many times as it takes for it to sink in that each of them have safe harbors in each other now.
when she pulls away, she looks from kotone to mitsuru with bright eyes and a shy smile. she can be outspoken, recklessly so, but.... for once, she's speechless. ]
[ She'll see those same bright eyes and shy smile echoed on Mitsuru's face.
[ Words don't come immediately. How could they? She'd entered this situation hoping to salvage a friendship with someone that she loved, but bracing herself for the worst. In her wildest dreams, she never could have predicted this outcome. Rooted in tradition as her upbringing was, it would have never even entered her mind as possibility if it hadn't simply happened.
[ In spite of that it felt ... natural. Right. Seeing Yukari and Kotone kiss had been as easy as it had been to kiss them herself, and had filled her with the same warmth, too.
[ She wanted to kiss each of them again. To utterly lose herself in them, at least for a little while.
[ Before she does, though, something needs to be said. ]
Whatever this means ...
[ She believes she knows what it means. Even she isn't so mystified by the particulars of romance to be blind to the implications of a passionate kiss. ]
Whatever the nature of our relationship is after tonight, this rift between us formed because we were afraid to speak honestly with each other. We don't need to discuss everything tonight, or tomorrow, or any time in the immediate future ... but from this point forward, we can't allow those fears to prevent us from supporting each other, or relying on each other.
[ She shifts a little between them, disentangling her arms so that she can caress Yukari's cheek with one hand and Kotone's with the other. ]
I don't want to imagine my life without both of you by my side, and I don't think I could live with myself knowing that my action or inaction drove you away.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2021-10-17 04:36 am (UTC)[ Her eyes drift shut, and Mitsuru falls silent for a few, long moments. Enjoying the warmth and closeness, doing what she could to steal her nerves.
[ Then, quietly: ]
I'm ready.
[ She takes in a steadying breath, removes herself from Yukari's arms, and rises to her feet. She extends a hand to help Yukari up. ]
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Date: 2021-10-17 05:34 pm (UTC)a grim part of her wonders if kotone is trying to make it that way on purpose.
yukari finally lets go of her hand and steps to the side, giving mitsuru an expectant look. willing as she is to back her up, that's all she is--support. only one person should be knocking on that door. ]
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Date: 2021-10-17 06:02 pm (UTC)[ Standing outside Kotone's door now felt the way that it had in the month before Mitsuru arrived at Avalon ... it felt as though she would open the door, and see an empty room that carried only an echo of her friend, reverberating through the space she should have occupied. And in some sense, that might very well be the case ... it all depended on the would follow.
[ It stunned her. Caused her to hesitate until the silence and all that it dragged up out of her memory became unbearable.
[ She couldn't stay here, surrounded by it, so she pressed forward as she said she would.
[ She reached out, and broke the silence with a knock on the door. ]
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Date: 2021-10-17 06:14 pm (UTC)kotone had been listening to music, but on headphones, beneath the sheets. still, the sound at the door broke through. she pauses it and pulls herself to her feet, tugging a worn pink hoodie on over the clothes she slept in the night before—
and at last, she opens the door a crack, peering out. ]
Oh. Hi, Mitsuru. [ she glances past the redhead, noticing the other girl's presence as well. ]... Yukari, too. What's up?
[ she doesn't sound anything but... tired, to be honest. as if something bone-deep has settled in. it isn't the same as how she seemed in february, mercifully, but even so. ]
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Date: 2021-10-17 06:33 pm (UTC)I ... I was hoping we could talk.
[ She sounds tired, too. ]
May we come in?
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Date: 2021-10-17 06:45 pm (UTC)kotone drops into a seat at her desk and pulls her legs up beneath her in the chair, gesturing towards her bed. it's clear she should probably let them start. ]
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Date: 2021-10-17 08:35 pm (UTC)[ In any case, she doesn't take the seat offered to her. Not yet, at least. Not until she's said her part.
[ She ... she isn't sure how to start. Part of her wants to indulge in some sort of small-talk, to ease herself into it for the sake of her nerves ... but she's delayed this enough already -- more than enough. Stalling further wouldn't do either of them any good.
[ It takes Mitsuru a moment to find her voice, but then ...: ]
I wanted to apologize. [ She says softly, turning her gaze downward as though she hadn't earned the right to look into Kotone's eyes. ] For the way that I acted while we were questing together.
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Date: 2021-10-17 09:34 pm (UTC)... You don't have to apologize. I had it coming. I know how it works, y'know? [ she laughs a brittle, slightly wet laugh, rubbing at her eyes. ] I end up being too much, or I can't be what they want, and people decide they're done with me. I guess I tricked myself into thinking it wasn't going to happen with you guys, too.
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Date: 2021-10-18 04:16 am (UTC)but then kotone says that and her razor-thin resolve snaps. ]
Kotone, no one's done with you, [ she interjects while sitting on the edge of the bed closest to her. ] We wouldn't even be here if we were. You aren't.... [ yukari takes a steadying breath, recognizing that her tone sounds dangerously close to angry when that's far from the truth. ]
No one is here to say you have to change or be less. Especially not me or Mitsuru.
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Date: 2021-10-18 06:11 am (UTC)[ She'd looked up from the floor as Kotone talked, opened her mouth to reply ... but then she remembered what had happened the last time she'd spoken before she could think, and reflexively bit the words back before any of them could actually escape.
[ Yukari interjecting had bought her the moment she needed to recover ]
She's right, Kotone. [ Mitsuru takes a half-step forward. ] I didn't want to push you away ... and I know that it might sound hollow given what I did, but hurting you was the last thing I wanted.
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Date: 2021-10-18 08:01 am (UTC)kotone had been terrified that she'd ruined things, with both of them. things were so... different now. she looks at both of her friends in turn, and finally, takes a deep breath in an effort to steady herself. two beats, and she exhales. ]
... Okay. [ she sounds a little more certain, now. the edge of despair that had crept into her voice has vanished. ] So... let's talk.
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Date: 2021-10-19 02:03 am (UTC)[ Hearing that note of certainty in Kotone's voice, however small it may be, releases some of the tension that Mitsuru had been carrying. It was concrete evidence that their relationship wasn't damaged beyond repair, and even though they still had a great deal to discuss before things could return to something that even vaguely resembled normal ... it's hard to describe what a relief that was.
[ Mitsuru signals her agreement with a small nod, and then took in a deep breath. She was quiet, briefly, trying to sort through the things that she needed to say and assemble those thoughts into some loose order. Then: ]
I was ... quite shaken, when you said that you would have come with me if I had decided to run away. Hearing you say it aloud, I realized the depths of my feelings for you.
[ She tries to swallow down the lump forming in her throat. ]
I don't know that I'd ever felt that way before, and as I struggled to understand that, so many other questions raced through my mind. Had I felt this way before without even realizing it? How long had I harbored these feelings? Did you feel the same way ...? It was all so overwhelming, and when you abruptly withdrew and pushed me away, I ...
[ Another deep breath to try and steady herself, but there was a raggedness to this one. ]
It hurt. I barely understood what I was feeling, and I didn't know what I might have done to upset you.
[ She draws into her self a little bit, arms folding across her midsection. ]
I don't say any of this to justify my behavior, because I should have never allowed that pain and confusion to dictate my actions, I just ... I want you to understand the state of mind that I was in for what followed.
['It's never mattered what I wanted, Mitsuru.'
['It's never mattered why I wanted it, either.'
['And I'm dead, so it's not going to start now.' ]
I couldn't stand hearing you talk about yourself like that ... nor could I stand the thought of losing you again ... something inside of me snapped. I shouted, and I knew what I had done the moment that I finished speaking. I ... I've regretted it ever since.
You were suffering so much more than I realized ... and when you tried to tell me, I snapped at you.
[ With that, Mitsuru uncrosses her arms, allows them to fall to her sides, and bows to Kotone, lowering her head until she's bent at the waist. ]
You deserved a friend in that moment, and I failed you mere minutes after promising that I would always be there for you ...
[ She's holding back tears. Even with her face hidden by the thick curtain of her hair, the way her voice quavers makes it all too obvious. ]
I'm sorry, Kotone ... I'm so, so sorry ...
no subject
Date: 2021-10-29 02:02 am (UTC)it's a far cry from her and kotone's moment in the quiet copse of trees where she knew her choice would be like throwing a match into a dry forest.
the guilt, always present ever since that night, weighs heavy in the silence that follows mitsuru's apology. hadn't she said they shouldn't waste another minute? and there's no better time than now to speak.
quietly: ]
And I'm sorry, too. For backing off after we, [ yukari pauses and shakes her head, deciding to start over with a more truthful version of events, ] after I kissed you. There was the reflection in the Hall and me messing up what you had with Aigis and....
Everything was so messed up. ...because I was the one who caused a lot of it. So rather than be the friend you needed, I pulled away.
[ 'i won't ever be that weak.' time has proven her a liar yet again. ]
You don't deserve that. Especially not from someone who considers you one of their best friends.
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Date: 2021-10-29 03:25 am (UTC)then... then yukari adds her own apology. the mention of the kiss was one complicating factor, but then...
then, yukari mentions the one person kotone hasn't even been able to bear to say the name of. and kotone freezes. her eyes move away from her friends towards the floor, as she tries to breathe. her heart hammers in her chest, pulse in her ears, and then...
no. she refuses to make all of this about her. mitsuru and yukari are hurting, and trying to fix this. the least she can do is meet them halfway. ]
... C'mere. Both of you. [ she finally forces a breath and rises to her feet, pulling mitsuru into a hug and gesturing with her free arm for yukari to join in too. it's an imperfect response, and kotone will still need to address what they've said... but it's a start. she wants to stop keeping them at a distance, and there's no better way to demonstrate it. ]
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Date: 2021-10-29 04:44 am (UTC)[ ' ... after I kissed you.'
[ Her eyes snap up from the floorboards, back slowly straightening as her attention shifts from Kotone to Yukari. Something heavy pressed against her chest, settled in her stomach. She barely had time to process it before Yukari mentioned Aigis - that she'd messed up what Kotone had with her.
[ For a moment, Mitsuru is confused. She doesn't understand what Yukari means, so her gaze shifts back to Kotone. She watches Kotone stiffen, sees her eyes fall to the floor, hears the faint huff of breath leave her ...
[ And suddenly, she understands.
[ If you saw Kotone and Aigis together, it would be all but impossible not to see the deep connection that they shared. Mitsuru had always attributed it to the history that they shared, and Aigis's singular devotion to her. She ... she hadn't considered the possibility that their connection had become romantic, but given that history and devotion, it made all the sense in the world.
[ Being separated from the one that she ... from the one that she loved must have been agonizing for Kotone. Sharing a kiss with Yukari would have felt like a betrayal, and Mitsuru's own affections would have gouged at that open wound ...
[ Of course Kotone had pushed her away ...
[ When Kotone finally spoke, Mitsuru barely heard her. The words were distant and indistinct, as though whispered at the end of a hallway. She was dragged out of her own thoughts when Kotone embraced her, but not completely ...
[ Even through the immense relief that gesture brought, it still hurt to know that Kotone had fallen in love with someone else. It tore at her, knowing that there might have been a chance for them if she'd only understood her own heart well enough to act. It stung knowing that the two people she loved the most had shared the sort of intimacy that she wanted so dearly ...
[ ... and she felt guilty for feeling any of it.
[ That pain and guilt and heartache threatened to dominate her thoughts. Letting it happen would have been so, so easy ...
[ But she didn't. She pushed against it, pushed as hard as she could, because she was done allowing these petty, selfish, weak emotions poison the friendships that mattered the most to her.
[ Maybe she couldn't rid herself of those feelings entirely, but they weren't going to rule her any further, and they weren't going to stop her from being the sort of friend that those around her deserved.
[ After a moment of tension, she all but melts into the hug. She puts her arms around Kotone and squeezes her tight. She buries her face in the shorter girl's hair for a moment, feeling herself start to tear up ...
[ And then she, too extends her arm towards Yukari. ]
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Date: 2021-12-07 06:22 am (UTC)she'll apologize for that later (sorry for not trusting you, sorry for hiding away again, sorry for being me, i'm so sorry), but evenly meets mitsuru's wide-eyed stare for a brief moment before turning back to kotone. yukari doesn't miss the way she all but flinches at the briefest mention of aigis. there'd been a time where every other sentence was about her, and now she couldn't even bear to hear the name of the girl she loves.
they will have to talk about her, painful as it may be. it won't be tonight or tomorrow, but ignoring the elephant in the room is untenable. it's what caused this whole mess in the first place. continuing to do so would just bring them right where they started. not that they've gone very far in the last few months.
still, they've made a start, however tentative it may be, and the hug between mitsuru and kotone bleeds most of the tension out of the room. she sighs, shoulders drooping in relief as the corners of her mouth curl upward. maybe things can finally get back to their own weird brand of normal.
or at least that was her thought before both of them ask her to join in to the embrace. it's far more kindness than yukari deserves considering her role in all this, but she can't deny the offer warms her from the inside out.
and if they ask, all she can do is step forward to meet them.
tentatively, yukari steps into the hug and practically melts at the physical contact, leaning into mitsuru's side as she wraps an arm around kotone's waist.
god, she'd missed them. ]
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Date: 2021-12-07 06:51 am (UTC)I don't... really know what I want, [ she admits that at last, half against yukari's shoulder, ] but... she wouldn't want me to just sit and pine, would she?
[ kotone goes quiet, even as she opens her eyes again. the suggestion of what might come next still feels too big. ]
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Date: 2021-12-07 07:08 am (UTC)[ She says nothing. She simply savors the relief washing over her in waves, and the warmth of having them both within her arms.
[ When Kotone speaks, her eyes open but she doesn't speak in kind. At least not for a moment or two, while she digests what was said ... and what those words might imply. ]
I ...
[ She hesitates. Even though she agrees, doing so outright feels ... self-serving. Even though there's a flicker of hope within her, she doesn't want whatever advice she gives to be colored by the ... the romantic interest she harbors. ]
I certainly don't think she would want you to feel this alone ... or to isolate yourself.
[ She looks to Yukari. She's ... she's not sure what insight she's searching for, but Yukari always seems to figure out what needs to be said. ]
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Date: 2021-12-08 11:38 pm (UTC)regardless of the circumstances, the answer is obvious. ]
Mitsuru's right. [ yukari turns toward kotone, voice soft and kiss to her forehead even softer. ] Even if you aren't sure what you want or how to get it, she'd want you to be happy. Use this second chance to live the best life you can. Whatever that might look like.
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Date: 2021-12-08 11:49 pm (UTC)she can't do this, some part of her still insists. even so... kotone silences that voice. she finally nods against yukari, and shifts her position, eyed slipping closed as she moves up to brush her lips against mitsuru's. talking about this is... hard, still nearly impossibly so, but she knows what she wants. her arm stays firmly around yukari as well, almost desperate to keep her close. ]
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Date: 2021-12-09 12:31 am (UTC)[ She's tense at first. Not because it's unpleasant -- far, far from it -- she's just ... she's never kissed anyone before, and having this come at the end of everything that's been between them ...
[ It's overwhelming. Enough to leave her frozen in place for a solid second or two before this ... this warmth floods through her. Relief and elation sweep aside everything else and Mitsuru leans into the kiss, closing her eyes and pressing her lips against Kotone's - gentle, but not because of any shyness or trepidation. Her first kiss is with someone she loves ... one of the two people that mean more to her than anything ... she wants to savor that.
[ Throughout the kiss, though, she doesn't release her hold on Yukari either. If anything, her grip gets just a little tighter.
[ She knows what she wants, and that's why, whenever she and Kotone eventually break that kiss, after spending a few moments staring into Kotone's eyes, her gaze moves to Yukari. That's why she leans in close, shuts her eyes, and kisses her, too. ]
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Date: 2021-12-09 03:35 am (UTC)when their kiss finally ends, her eyes meets mitsuru's and....
oh. oh, yukari knows what that look means. a dozen questions race through her mind (her; since when; oh my god is this real) before mitsuru's lips are on hers and are quickly answered (yes, yukari with all that entails; since who knows; this is very real). her eyes flutter shut as she deepens the kiss, surprised at how non-surprised she is to discover that kissing mitsuru feels just as natural as kissing kotone. instead, the idea that she's wanted by them both settles in, makes itself at home in her head and her heart as if it's always belonged there.
maybe it has.
she only pulls away when the lack of air begins to make her dizzy, pupils wide and breaths hard. yukari looks to kotone, yet doesn't lean forward to kiss her first. she wants to so, so badly, but.... the memory of the last time she did so still weighs heavy. ]
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Date: 2021-12-09 03:51 am (UTC)then she sees mitsuru kiss yukari, and it feels... right. they might not have come together so immediately as she and yukari had, but mitsuru had grown close to both of them around the same time.
her heart aches at the wariness with which yukari looks to her in turn, at her fear to kiss her after what had happened last time. so kotone moves closer instead, pressing her lips to yukari's and parting them slightly, letting her fingers weave into her hair. ]
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Date: 2021-12-14 05:26 am (UTC)she sinks into the kiss with an audible sigh of relief, any remaining tension in her shoulders melting away as she leans into the touch. yukari's kissed her before, but she didn't do it right. so she tries again, all of the desperate longing from before replaced with gentle want. and she'll try again tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that. as many times as it takes for it to sink in that each of them have safe harbors in each other now.
when she pulls away, she looks from kotone to mitsuru with bright eyes and a shy smile. she can be outspoken, recklessly so, but.... for once, she's speechless. ]
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Date: 2021-12-16 08:07 am (UTC)[ Words don't come immediately. How could they? She'd entered this situation hoping to salvage a friendship with someone that she loved, but bracing herself for the worst. In her wildest dreams, she never could have predicted this outcome. Rooted in tradition as her upbringing was, it would have never even entered her mind as possibility if it hadn't simply happened.
[ In spite of that it felt ... natural. Right. Seeing Yukari and Kotone kiss had been as easy as it had been to kiss them herself, and had filled her with the same warmth, too.
[ She wanted to kiss each of them again. To utterly lose herself in them, at least for a little while.
[ Before she does, though, something needs to be said. ]
Whatever this means ...
[ She believes she knows what it means. Even she isn't so mystified by the particulars of romance to be blind to the implications of a passionate kiss. ]
Whatever the nature of our relationship is after tonight, this rift between us formed because we were afraid to speak honestly with each other. We don't need to discuss everything tonight, or tomorrow, or any time in the immediate future ... but from this point forward, we can't allow those fears to prevent us from supporting each other, or relying on each other.
[ She shifts a little between them, disentangling her arms so that she can caress Yukari's cheek with one hand and Kotone's with the other. ]
I don't want to imagine my life without both of you by my side, and I don't think I could live with myself knowing that my action or inaction drove you away.
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