[ She isn't trying to be obtuse this it's just ... difficult. It was painful to dwell on, much less discuss it and attempt ot parse through it all.
[ But, by now, she's also learned that simply wallowing in misery accomplishes nothing, so ...
[ She takes a deep breath and begins typing. ]
After we made camp at the end of our first day of travel, we had an opportunity to sit down and talk. To clear the air between us as you and I had.
At first that conversation went well. We apologized for worrying each other. Kotone admitted how much she's been struggling with the reality of her own death, and how difficult she finds discussing her problems.
[ Putting that into words brings the memory of the conversation's end rushing back to the forefront of her mind. She can see Kotone's wounded, heartbroken expression as clearly as she would if they were still standing there, and it dredges up a fresh wave of guilt and self-loathing. ]
Then, she brought up a [ She gets hung up here, and retypes the sentence several times before landing on: ] a previous discussion. One from before our final battle with Nyx.
[ the dots start and stop several times during mitsuru's messages. based on what she's saying, they should have come back feeling as rejuvenated as yukari did, but clearly many things had gone awry. ]
and the discussion from before nyx was.... bad? or okay but hard to talk about
[ Mitsuru tries to explain it, but that very quickly devolves into typing, deleting, and re-wording the same paragraph of text over and over again.
[ How does one even begin to explain something like this ...?
[ Yukari knew some of it, of course. She had told her about how trapped she had felt by the expectations that came with her family name, how she felt as though the things that she could contribute were ignored on the basis of her sex, the reservations she had about her engagement and how thoroughly repugnant she found her fiance when he showed his true colors ...
[ But telling her that she had asked Kotone to run away with her? Explaining the feelings that drove that decision, even before she understood what they were?
[ Eventually, she just presses the backspace key and deletes all that she'd written. ]
I don't want to discuss this over text, Yukari. Can you come here, please?
[ she cares about mitsuru. really, she does. yukari can count her among the few she considers a true friend, someone she can rely on and trust with anything. someone for whom she has infinite patience because she gets how difficult opening up can be.
that does not stop the deep groan that wells up from the depths of her soul at that reply. ]
yeah i can do that see you soon
[ she briskly walks back to the house, fingers quickly tapping on kotone's name in her contacts and typing a "what is going on?????" message. her thumb hovers over the send button for a long moment before she deleting it and closing the messaging app entirely. better to ask when she has a clearer picture of what exactly she's walking into.
yukari returns within fifteen minutes of her last message to mitsuru, almost tripping over her shoes in her hurry to kick them off. shinji is nowhere to be found--probably off doing his own thing and staying out of the emotional blast zone--and kotone's door is shut tight, no lights or noise coming from the other side. mitsuru's door is much the same.
it's only out of sheer respect for her upperclassman that yukari doesn't fling it open, sit down at the foot of her bed, and demand answers. instead, she knocks and waits, foot tapping and hands on her hips. ]
[ Mitsuru doesn't keep her waiting. Moments after Yukari knocks, the door unlocks with an audible click and swings open.
[ To say that Mitsuru looks disheveled would be a gross overstatement, but her appearance isn't as immaculately styled as it typically is. She's still dressed, but there are a few wrinkles in her clothes. Her hair is still straightened and styled, but there are a few locks lingering out of place.
[ She looks tired. ]
Hello, Yukari.
[ She offers a small smile, stepping out of the way so her underclassman can step inside. ]
[ mitsuru's tired look is miles ahead of everyone else's. yukari would almost be jealous if, you know, she wasn't clearly Going Through It. she enters, quickly crossing the room to sit on the edge of her bed. ]
Didn't we already talk about this? Talking and listening to you when something's up isn't "humoring you." It's called being a friend. So c'mon. [ yukari pats the space beside her and smiles back at mitsuru. ] Let it out.
[ Recent as that conversation might have been, the reminder is very much needed ... Mitsuru hasn't felt like much of a friend, lately.
[ She sighs, offering Yukari a small but grateful smile as her shoulders sink slightly.
[ She doesn't find her voice so quickly, though. Despite the small relief that support offered her, explaining what had transpired was still ... complicated, to say the least. She remained quiet as she crossed to the bed, doing her level best to sort through the tangle of memories and emotions as she took the offered seat on the bed next to Yukari.
[ After a few seconds, she tentatively began. ]
It ... to explain it fully begins with the engagement that was arranged for me back home.
[ her lips twist into a scowl on impulse when mitsuru mentions her ex-fiance. she knows the broad outline: the board had engaged her to a huge jerk she barely even knew who was now (thankfully) no longer in the picture. mitsuru's carefully worded explanation of her ordeal and kotone's late night rants about how insensitive and thoughtless and misogynist and downright mean he was filled in a lot of the missing details.
yukari has just information to know it's for the best they never crossed paths. calling someone a slimy, manipulative creep to their face wouldn't have left the best first impression. ]
Yeah, I remember that. You're the one who called it off, right?
I was ... deeply unhappy with the arrangement -- even before my former fiancé revealed what a despicable human being he was.
[ She doubts she needs to remind Yukari of that. Apart from Kotone, Yukari had been the only person with whom she'd openly discussed the matter ... she had told her how powerless she had felt ... how trapped, how it seemed as though the Group valued her as a bargaining chip rather than an individual based on her sex ... ]
The engagement was brokered around the time that Kotone and I began to spend time together as friends, and as you might imagine, I quickly came to confide in her a great deal.
[ "deeply unhappy" being boardroom speak for "totally miserable". leave it to mitsuru to be charitable to a previous business partner even after being outed as a jerk of the highest order.
yukari leans forward and rests her elbows on her knees, propping her chin in her upturned palms. ]
Well, yeah, that makes sense. Who didn't? [ which, now armed with the power of hindsight, she realizes was probably more to kotone's detriment than anyone could have foreseen. ] And when you hang out with someone a lot, it's only natural to open up about something that's bothering you.
Of course. It just ... it wasn't something that I'd done with any sort of regularity before you and Kotone came into my life.
[ Prior to the two of them, she simply didn't have many people that she could have opened up to. Most of her relationships, personal or professional, were colored in some way by her family's social status. That same status, paired with her single-minded pursuit of her goals, created a certain distance between herself and the majority of her peers. Even then, what few genuine friendships she had weren't well suited to it. She and Shinjiro had grown distant after the accident that led to his departure from S.E.E.S., and while Akihiko would have listened to her problems, he would have likely been as unprepared to discuss matters of the heart as she was.
[ With Yukari and Kotone, baring her soul was a liquid thing -- it flowed easily, without any discomfort or effort on her part. ]
I told her everything that I've told you about the situation. She listened, allowed me to commiserate, offered encouragment where I needed it. It helped - tremendously - but it didn't change the reality of my situation.
I ...
[ She sighed, hanging her head. ]
I began to fantasize about simply walking away. About abandoning my responsibilities and going someplace where nobody knew who I was, and where no one expected anything of me.
[ Mitsuru shook her head at her own foolishness. Even months later, she was still frustrated with herself for becoming so enamored with such a wildly irresponsible idea. ]
I would have never gone through with it, of course, but ...
Yeah, [ she answers quietly, ] I didn't do that too much before meeting the both of you, either.
[ yukari didn't have friends before joining s.e.e.s. it's a sobering thought, but one she's long come to terms with. all of her peers growing up were all so--normal. a mom, a dad, an address that didn't change every few months. they lived in a world where they could walk forward without restraint. and yukari lived in one where she would only ever see their backs as they moved ahead.
that's how it worked. how it would always work.
then there'd been kotone. then fuuka. then, surprisingly, mitsuru. then aigis. for the first time in years, she had people who texted when she was out late, asked what snacks she wanted for the kitchen, introduced her to things they loved just because. not only did they open up to her, but she learned to do so in turn.
and now sitting side-by-side with mitsuru, talking about painful parts of their pasts and offering advice, felt easier than ever. ]
You know there's no reason to beat yourself up for wanting to walk away, right? Dealing with that stress every day can be...a lot. [ yukari couldn't count the number of times she'd pulled up the shinkansen website, tickets to some remote place sitting in the cart, only to close it seconds later, feeling more exhausted than before. ] Wanting to be your own person isn't a bad thing.
I know that now, but it still felt ... wrong to even think about it given everything that was going on at the time.
[ Assuming greater responsibility within the Kirijo Group after her father's death, the Dark Hour persisting beyond the event that was supposed to end it, Nyx being revealed as the true threat ... It all seemed so much bigger than her, and whatever she might want. So much so that wanting those things in the first place felt childish.
[ She still felt that way sometimes, despite her best efforts. ]
I tried to set it aside, but I kept finding reminders of that desire everywhere that I looked. Books in the library, travel advertisements ... Kotone and I, we ... the day that she met my fiancé, we were seeing a movie together. The film itself wasn't anything special - a typical roadtrip movie - but the story and characters resonated with me.
[ She begins to toy with a lock of her hair - uncomfortably winding it around one of her fingers. pulling it taut, and then winding it back up again. ]
The main character sacrificed everything to simply go on a trip with his friends, and when the film ended, I couldn't stop wondering whether or not he was happy with that decision. Kotone and I discussed it, and as we did, I started to become annoyed with myself.
[ Her voice began to grow tighter. ]
All that I did was complain ... for all my talk about responsibility, I was so unhappy with my own, and I didn't even have the courage to run if that was what I truly wanted to do.
I told Kotone, and I ...
[ Her throat closed around the rest. Strangled the words before she could voice them. ]
[ she raises an eyebrow the farther mitsuru gets into her halting explanation. not once throughout the entirety of their friendship has she seen her fidget before. that plus the way her voice falters gives yukari a vague idea of where this could be going. all she needs is some encouragement to say it out loud.
humming a noncommittal noise, she sits up straight and puts a comforting hand on her upperclassman's shoulder. ]
And then you...? [ she prompts gently, no hint of judgement or sarcasm in her expression or tone. ] What happened?
[ Mitsuru could feel Yukari's eyes on her, tingling at the back of her neck. Despite the fact that it's her - that it's Yukari - Mitsuru has to resist the urge to close off and withdraw.
[ She doesn't want to say it.
[ After what had happened, the thought of acknowledging it terrified her. The thought of confronting it ...? That did make her draw into herself.
[ But she had to face it, didn't she?
[ What was her alternative? Staying here in this agonizing limbo, estranged from one of her closest friends? Wallowing in her own misery because she was unable to face her own emotions?
[ No. No, she'd done that before and she wasn't going to allow herself to do it again -- not for any longer than she already had.
[ Nonetheless, the words didn't come to her easily. They rose from her chest slowly, catching in her throat, scratching like burrs. Eventually, she pried her eyes up from the floor, drew in a breath ... ]
I ... I asked Kotone if ... if she would come with me if I ran away.
[ the truth hits with a dull, acute ache that blooms in her chest and quickly spreads throughout her body, anchoring her to the spot. at first, she feels tingly, numb. her next inhale is labored, uneven. run away with...there's no other way to take that other than.... god, it was so obvious and yukari should have seen this coming a mile away--
and then it's gone on the exhale, leaving nothing but vague.... she isn't sure. annoyance, maybe. it's an absurd reaction to the obvious conclusion of mitsuru's story. one she can't justify or explain.
('i wanted to go with you' almost comes out of her mouth, but she chokes it down, leaving her throat raw.)
her voice stays remarkably even as she prepares to ask the toughest question yet. ]
But you stayed. [ kotone, romantic that she was, would have agreed to it with little hesitation. ] How come? You two could have gone anywhere.
[ Hearing Yukari's breath hitch draws Mitsuru's eyes away from the floor, and she sees a flicker of ... of something cross her friend's face. She couldn't tell what exactly it was - it came and went too quickly - but she was concerned and confused all the same. The little voice in the back of her mind that was convinced that discussing this again was a terrible decision grew a little louder and a little more insistent.
[ If Yukari hadn't questioned further, she might have fallen silent again. ]
No, we couldn't have. [ Mitsuru replies with a shake of her head. ] The Kirijo Group, bringing an end to the Dark Hour ... we couldn't just abandon those things ... nor could we abandon you and the rest of S.E.E.S.
[ From the sound of her voice, Mitsuru's throat is just as raw. She took in a slightly ragged breath of her own, trying to steady herself a little. ]
Regardless, I never received Kotone's answer. My fiancé arrived and interjected himself into the conversation almost immediately after I asked. I broke off the engagement minutes later, and the topic was left by the wayside ...
[ The way that Mitsuru trails off leaves the unspoken abundantly clear.
[ It was left by the wayside until we undertook the delivery quest together. ]
[ the memory of both mitsuru and kotone storming into the dorm while almost all of them were piled into the living room to watch phoenix featherman r and the jumbled, excitable explanation of what happened is a strong one. while she had the broad outline, knowing exactly what the two of them had talked about before he'd arrived puts a lot into perspective.
if the silence means anything, it also explains everything about the current rift in their friendship.
before aigis and without the responsibility of s.e.e.s., kotone might have agreed no question. but after? yeesh. that would be.... complicated, for lack of a better word. and yukari is well aware of how that goes. is going. she doesn't want to think about it any more than she already is. (which is all the time.) ]
So you guys had a good talk, [ she sighs, hoping mitsuru will help her connect the dots, ] everything was going great, and then she brought up you two running away again. After that, it all went bad. Really bad.
[ That was one of the most maddening parts of it. That it had started so well. That it looked as though things might begin to return to something resembling normal between them. ]
We discussed everything that had been hanging in the air between us over the past few months, and it seemed like we might have cleared it away. She ... she admitted how difficult dealing with all of this has been.
[ She stopped there. Allowed that to sink in, because while she hadn't understood the depths of Kotone's pain ... clearly, she hadn't ... she knew how difficult it was for Kotone to allow herself to show anything past the cheerful, supportive exterior.
[ And thinking of that, considering what came next nearly brought her to tears. ]
I said that, if she ever wanted to discuss it, that I would be there to listen ... and that's when she told me that, when I asked, she had wanted to say yes ...
[ She'd ... she'd hoped that this would grow easier. That, by the time she arrived at this point, there would be some sort of momentum in her favor that would have eased some of the pain and shame that had kept her from talking about it up until now.
[ There wasn't. ]
I ... began to ask myself why she would mention this now. And ... [ She swallows. ] And what I had meant when I'd asked the question in the first place ... but when I asked her, she shied away from me. She said that bringing it up in the first place had been a mistake, and that it didn't matter.
[ yukari squeezes mitsuru's shoulder as she finally gets to the heart of the matter. their conversation on the mountain sounds similar to she and kotone's conversation during the rescue mission aside from the disastrous argument. ]
I heard her say something like that at the Hall of Mirrors. Our reflections in there talked and moved on their own. Kind of like they were alive. [ weeks later, yukari still glanced in the mirror with trepidation, convinced a knowing smirk and yellow eyes would greet her.
suppressing a shiver, she continues, ] It was creepy. And Kotone's reflection talked about how she felt people only cared about her if she was perfect and only showed them what they wanted. Which isn't true, but.... It's how she's felt this whole time and never felt she could tell us.
[ but that isn't quite true. there is someone who would know. ]
Well, she probably told Aigis. [ a nonchalant shrug. ] But of course she would, right? That doesn't mean you made a mistake asking what she meant.
[ Without giving it any conscious thought, Mitsuru leans into Yukari's touch. Scant as it might be given the circumstances, her presence is still a comfort.
[ She's briefly confused by Yukari's comment about Aigis, but after a moment's thought it makes a great deal of sense ... due to the history they shared, Aigis was singularly devoted to Kotone - in a way that no one else could be. It would stand to reason that Kotone would open up to her ... to the person that it would be completely inconceivable to alienate.
[ Someone who could never react in the way that Mitsuru had ...
[ What Yukari said about her conversation with Kotone after the Hall of Mirrors, though ... that sent a wash of cold running over Mitsuru. Kotone had said the same thing to her, about being the perfect cipher to everyone that she could reach. ]
Yukari, my mistake wasn't asking it was ...
[ She takes another steadying breath, chewing her lower lip briefly. ]
I was hurt, Yukari. I didn't understand what I was feeling, or why she was pushing me away, and when I said that she didn't mean that, she said that she frequently said things that she didn't mean. She said that what she wanted had never mattered, and that she was ... that she was dead, so it never would.
[ She looked away again, scrubbing at her eyes with the heel of her palm and choking out a sob. ]
I couldn't stand the thought of losing her again, and hearing her talk about herself in that way ... something inside of me just pulled and tore and I ...
[ She turns back to Yukari, tears in her eyes. ]
I yelled at her. That she had always mattered, that we would have failed without her, that we would have been miserable and alone without her, but I still yelled at her.
[ oh, yukari thinks as mitsuru continues her story, eyebrows raising with each sentence in disbelief, oh, everything had gone so much worse than anticipated. honestly, she understands where her upperclassman is coming from. hearing their beloved leader talk about herself as if she was nothing, had done nothing--if it weren't for kotone standing next to her at the hall, there's a good chance yukari would have yelled at her reflection for daring to say things that felt so untrue.
but she remembers the stricken look on kotone's face after junpei yelled his frustrations at her in the months weeks before nyx's arrival, the genuine frustration in her tone as she snapped back. and she remembers the sudden withdrawal from the rest of them for several days afterward.
mitsuru yelling at her, regardless of good intentions, would have been like a slap to the face. ]
She didn't take that well, [ she quietly responds, rubbing comforting circles on mitsuru's back. ] Then you didn't take it well. And now we're here.
No. [ Mitsuru shook her head, leaning a little further into Yukari. ] Not exactly, at least.
[ Her voice was quiet and thin, but it was a little less choked and strained. It was as if the admission had released some pressure within her, but doing so had left her more deflated than relieved. Her eyes were still wet, and a few fresh tears rolled down her cheek. ]
The moment I finished, I knew what I had done ...
[ Even before she'd looked into Kotone's eyes and saw her friend's undisguised pain and despair, she knew. Junpei's outburst had come to her mind then, too. ]
I tried to apologize, for what little good that would do, but she began saying things that didn't make sense ... she talked about a contract that she had signed with Ryoji -- or at least, an embodiment of Thanatos that would later become Ryoji. She said that she had played her part, that she had become the perfect cipher to everyone that she could reach ...
There was some facet to the events of that year that we couldn't see, but that she could. Whatever it was, its left her convinced that it had all been predetermined, and that it could have never ended any other way ...
[ Mitsuru knew that Kotone tried to hide away any pain or anxiety that she felt - that she'd rather store it up inside of her than let anyone else see it. She knew that the hardships Kotone had faced had left their mark on her, even if Kotone would never admit it.
[ But that pain ran so much deeper than she realized, and she couldn't help but feel as though she'd failed Kotone by not discovering it before something like this could happen. ]
Her reflection mentioned some of that, too, [ she muses after a moment of thought, ] and called her "cipher." But she made it sound like she'd made the contract with someone named Igor instead of Ryoji. Or whoever Ryoji was then.
[ it stands to reason that the two of them--this mysterious mysterious version of ryoji and even more igor--were connected to the contract somehow. were this a more trivial mystery, yukari would dig into it, but.... well. she already knows heartbreak lies in wait at the end. ]
I didn't ask what that meant. It...wasn't really the time. [ nor was it after escaping the hall or after they'd kis--no. no thinking about it. ] She never said anything about what happened being...I don't know, fate or something, but that's just the thing, isn't it? She never talked about it. Ever. You can't blame yourself for not knowing she was hurting.
And don't say you're not because you are. [ yukari fixes mitsuru with a piercing stare that very few people in camelot or otherwise would get away with. ] Otherwise, you wouldn't stay holed up in your room for days avoiding everyone. This isn't-- [ she pauses, wondering if what she wants to say next is too harsh, but sets her shoulders before continuing, ] This isn't how you make up for thinking you're a bad friend.
This isn't working. Talking to her is the only way to fix this.
[ Mitsuru won't even attempt to deny that, any of it, because there is no denying it.
[ Yukari is right. The longer that she and Kotone drift in this agonizing limbo, the more and more difficult bridging this distance between them will become. But ... ]
I'm afraid, Yukari.
[ She sounds it, too. Uncharacteristically small and fragile and uncertain. But she doesn't shy away from Yuakri's gaze admitting it. ]
I'm afraid that I'll hurt her again, and lose her forever because of it.
[ Mitsuru wipes at her eyes again. ]
Whatever else that I might have wanted ... whatever else I might feel for her ... none of that matters now. All that I want is to avoid losing one of the two people in my life that matter the most to me.
[ For all the money and influence and reach that she has, the truth is that her world is a very small thing. It might have expanded a great deal from what it once was, even with the loss of her father, but if you distilled it down to the things that mean everything to her ...?
[ She has the Group.
[ She has Akihiko, Aragaki-san, Yamagishi-chan, Aigis, Amada-kun, Iori-san, and Koromaru.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ She isn't trying to be obtuse this it's just ... difficult. It was painful to dwell on, much less discuss it and attempt ot parse through it all.
[ But, by now, she's also learned that simply wallowing in misery accomplishes nothing, so ...
[ She takes a deep breath and begins typing. ]
After we made camp at the end of our first day of travel, we had an opportunity to sit down and talk. To clear the air between us as you and I had.
At first that conversation went well. We apologized for worrying each other. Kotone admitted how much she's been struggling with the reality of her own death, and how difficult she finds discussing her problems.
[ Putting that into words brings the memory of the conversation's end rushing back to the forefront of her mind. She can see Kotone's wounded, heartbroken expression as clearly as she would if they were still standing there, and it dredges up a fresh wave of guilt and self-loathing. ]
Then, she brought up a [ She gets hung up here, and retypes the sentence several times before landing on: ] a previous discussion. One from before our final battle with Nyx.
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and the discussion from before nyx was....
bad? or okay but hard to talk about
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[ How does one even begin to explain something like this ...?
[ Yukari knew some of it, of course. She had told her about how trapped she had felt by the expectations that came with her family name, how she felt as though the things that she could contribute were ignored on the basis of her sex, the reservations she had about her engagement and how thoroughly repugnant she found her fiance when he showed his true colors ...
[ But telling her that she had asked Kotone to run away with her? Explaining the feelings that drove that decision, even before she understood what they were?
[ Eventually, she just presses the backspace key and deletes all that she'd written. ]
I don't want to discuss this over text, Yukari. Can you come here, please?
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that does not stop the deep groan that wells up from the depths of her soul at that reply. ]
yeah i can do that
see you soon
[ she briskly walks back to the house, fingers quickly tapping on kotone's name in her contacts and typing a "what is going on?????" message. her thumb hovers over the send button for a long moment before she deleting it and closing the messaging app entirely. better to ask when she has a clearer picture of what exactly she's walking into.
yukari returns within fifteen minutes of her last message to mitsuru, almost tripping over her shoes in her hurry to kick them off. shinji is nowhere to be found--probably off doing his own thing and staying out of the emotional blast zone--and kotone's door is shut tight, no lights or noise coming from the other side. mitsuru's door is much the same.
it's only out of sheer respect for her upperclassman that yukari doesn't fling it open, sit down at the foot of her bed, and demand answers. instead, she knocks and waits, foot tapping and hands on her hips. ]
Mitsuru? Are you in there?
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[ To say that Mitsuru looks disheveled would be a gross overstatement, but her appearance isn't as immaculately styled as it typically is. She's still dressed, but there are a few wrinkles in her clothes. Her hair is still straightened and styled, but there are a few locks lingering out of place.
[ She looks tired. ]
Hello, Yukari.
[ She offers a small smile, stepping out of the way so her underclassman can step inside. ]
Thank you. For ... humoring me, I suppose.
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Didn't we already talk about this? Talking and listening to you when something's up isn't "humoring you." It's called being a friend. So c'mon. [ yukari pats the space beside her and smiles back at mitsuru. ] Let it out.
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[ She sighs, offering Yukari a small but grateful smile as her shoulders sink slightly.
[ She doesn't find her voice so quickly, though. Despite the small relief that support offered her, explaining what had transpired was still ... complicated, to say the least. She remained quiet as she crossed to the bed, doing her level best to sort through the tangle of memories and emotions as she took the offered seat on the bed next to Yukari.
[ After a few seconds, she tentatively began. ]
It ... to explain it fully begins with the engagement that was arranged for me back home.
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yukari has just information to know it's for the best they never crossed paths. calling someone a slimy, manipulative creep to their face wouldn't have left the best first impression. ]
Yeah, I remember that. You're the one who called it off, right?
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[ Mitsuru confirms with a nod. ]
I was ... deeply unhappy with the arrangement -- even before my former fiancé revealed what a despicable human being he was.
[ She doubts she needs to remind Yukari of that. Apart from Kotone, Yukari had been the only person with whom she'd openly discussed the matter ... she had told her how powerless she had felt ... how trapped, how it seemed as though the Group valued her as a bargaining chip rather than an individual based on her sex ... ]
The engagement was brokered around the time that Kotone and I began to spend time together as friends, and as you might imagine, I quickly came to confide in her a great deal.
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yukari leans forward and rests her elbows on her knees, propping her chin in her upturned palms. ]
Well, yeah, that makes sense. Who didn't? [ which, now armed with the power of hindsight, she realizes was probably more to kotone's detriment than anyone could have foreseen. ] And when you hang out with someone a lot, it's only natural to open up about something that's bothering you.
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[ Prior to the two of them, she simply didn't have many people that she could have opened up to. Most of her relationships, personal or professional, were colored in some way by her family's social status. That same status, paired with her single-minded pursuit of her goals, created a certain distance between herself and the majority of her peers. Even then, what few genuine friendships she had weren't well suited to it. She and Shinjiro had grown distant after the accident that led to his departure from S.E.E.S., and while Akihiko would have listened to her problems, he would have likely been as unprepared to discuss matters of the heart as she was.
[ With Yukari and Kotone, baring her soul was a liquid thing -- it flowed easily, without any discomfort or effort on her part. ]
I told her everything that I've told you about the situation. She listened, allowed me to commiserate, offered encouragment where I needed it. It helped - tremendously - but it didn't change the reality of my situation.
I ...
[ She sighed, hanging her head. ]
I began to fantasize about simply walking away. About abandoning my responsibilities and going someplace where nobody knew who I was, and where no one expected anything of me.
[ Mitsuru shook her head at her own foolishness. Even months later, she was still frustrated with herself for becoming so enamored with such a wildly irresponsible idea. ]
I would have never gone through with it, of course, but ...
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[ yukari didn't have friends before joining s.e.e.s. it's a sobering thought, but one she's long come to terms with. all of her peers growing up were all so--normal. a mom, a dad, an address that didn't change every few months. they lived in a world where they could walk forward without restraint. and yukari lived in one where she would only ever see their backs as they moved ahead.
that's how it worked. how it would always work.
then there'd been kotone. then fuuka. then, surprisingly, mitsuru. then aigis. for the first time in years, she had people who texted when she was out late, asked what snacks she wanted for the kitchen, introduced her to things they loved just because. not only did they open up to her, but she learned to do so in turn.
and now sitting side-by-side with mitsuru, talking about painful parts of their pasts and offering advice, felt easier than ever. ]
You know there's no reason to beat yourself up for wanting to walk away, right? Dealing with that stress every day can be...a lot. [ yukari couldn't count the number of times she'd pulled up the shinkansen website, tickets to some remote place sitting in the cart, only to close it seconds later, feeling more exhausted than before. ] Wanting to be your own person isn't a bad thing.
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[ Assuming greater responsibility within the Kirijo Group after her father's death, the Dark Hour persisting beyond the event that was supposed to end it, Nyx being revealed as the true threat ... It all seemed so much bigger than her, and whatever she might want. So much so that wanting those things in the first place felt childish.
[ She still felt that way sometimes, despite her best efforts. ]
I tried to set it aside, but I kept finding reminders of that desire everywhere that I looked. Books in the library, travel advertisements ... Kotone and I, we ... the day that she met my fiancé, we were seeing a movie together. The film itself wasn't anything special - a typical roadtrip movie - but the story and characters resonated with me.
[ She begins to toy with a lock of her hair - uncomfortably winding it around one of her fingers. pulling it taut, and then winding it back up again. ]
The main character sacrificed everything to simply go on a trip with his friends, and when the film ended, I couldn't stop wondering whether or not he was happy with that decision. Kotone and I discussed it, and as we did, I started to become annoyed with myself.
[ Her voice began to grow tighter. ]
All that I did was complain ... for all my talk about responsibility, I was so unhappy with my own, and I didn't even have the courage to run if that was what I truly wanted to do.
I told Kotone, and I ...
[ Her throat closed around the rest. Strangled the words before she could voice them. ]
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humming a noncommittal noise, she sits up straight and puts a comforting hand on her upperclassman's shoulder. ]
And then you...? [ she prompts gently, no hint of judgement or sarcasm in her expression or tone. ] What happened?
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[ She doesn't want to say it.
[ After what had happened, the thought of acknowledging it terrified her. The thought of confronting it ...? That did make her draw into herself.
[ But she had to face it, didn't she?
[ What was her alternative? Staying here in this agonizing limbo, estranged from one of her closest friends? Wallowing in her own misery because she was unable to face her own emotions?
[ No. No, she'd done that before and she wasn't going to allow herself to do it again -- not for any longer than she already had.
[ Nonetheless, the words didn't come to her easily. They rose from her chest slowly, catching in her throat, scratching like burrs. Eventually, she pried her eyes up from the floor, drew in a breath ... ]
I ... I asked Kotone if ... if she would come with me if I ran away.
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and then it's gone on the exhale, leaving nothing but vague.... she isn't sure. annoyance, maybe. it's an absurd reaction to the obvious conclusion of mitsuru's story. one she can't justify or explain.
('i wanted to go with you' almost comes out of her mouth, but she chokes it down, leaving her throat raw.)
her voice stays remarkably even as she prepares to ask the toughest question yet. ]
But you stayed. [ kotone, romantic that she was, would have agreed to it with little hesitation. ] How come? You two could have gone anywhere.
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[ If Yukari hadn't questioned further, she might have fallen silent again. ]
No, we couldn't have. [ Mitsuru replies with a shake of her head. ] The Kirijo Group, bringing an end to the Dark Hour ... we couldn't just abandon those things ... nor could we abandon you and the rest of S.E.E.S.
[ From the sound of her voice, Mitsuru's throat is just as raw. She took in a slightly ragged breath of her own, trying to steady herself a little. ]
Regardless, I never received Kotone's answer. My fiancé arrived and interjected himself into the conversation almost immediately after I asked. I broke off the engagement minutes later, and the topic was left by the wayside ...
[ The way that Mitsuru trails off leaves the unspoken abundantly clear.
[ It was left by the wayside until we undertook the delivery quest together. ]
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if the silence means anything, it also explains everything about the current rift in their friendship.
before aigis and without the responsibility of s.e.e.s., kotone might have agreed no question. but after? yeesh. that would be.... complicated, for lack of a better word. and yukari is well aware of how that goes. is going. she doesn't want to think about it any more than she already is. (which is all the time.) ]
So you guys had a good talk, [ she sighs, hoping mitsuru will help her connect the dots, ] everything was going great, and then she brought up you two running away again. After that, it all went bad. Really bad.
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[ That was one of the most maddening parts of it. That it had started so well. That it looked as though things might begin to return to something resembling normal between them. ]
We discussed everything that had been hanging in the air between us over the past few months, and it seemed like we might have cleared it away. She ... she admitted how difficult dealing with all of this has been.
[ She stopped there. Allowed that to sink in, because while she hadn't understood the depths of Kotone's pain ... clearly, she hadn't ... she knew how difficult it was for Kotone to allow herself to show anything past the cheerful, supportive exterior.
[ And thinking of that, considering what came next nearly brought her to tears. ]
I said that, if she ever wanted to discuss it, that I would be there to listen ... and that's when she told me that, when I asked, she had wanted to say yes ...
[ She'd ... she'd hoped that this would grow easier. That, by the time she arrived at this point, there would be some sort of momentum in her favor that would have eased some of the pain and shame that had kept her from talking about it up until now.
[ There wasn't. ]
I ... began to ask myself why she would mention this now. And ... [ She swallows. ] And what I had meant when I'd asked the question in the first place ... but when I asked her, she shied away from me. She said that bringing it up in the first place had been a mistake, and that it didn't matter.
That she didn't matter ...
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I heard her say something like that at the Hall of Mirrors. Our reflections in there talked and moved on their own. Kind of like they were alive. [ weeks later, yukari still glanced in the mirror with trepidation, convinced a knowing smirk and yellow eyes would greet her.
suppressing a shiver, she continues, ] It was creepy. And Kotone's reflection talked about how she felt people only cared about her if she was perfect and only showed them what they wanted. Which isn't true, but.... It's how she's felt this whole time and never felt she could tell us.
[ but that isn't quite true. there is someone who would know. ]
Well, she probably told Aigis. [ a nonchalant shrug. ] But of course she would, right? That doesn't mean you made a mistake asking what she meant.
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[ She's briefly confused by Yukari's comment about Aigis, but after a moment's thought it makes a great deal of sense ... due to the history they shared, Aigis was singularly devoted to Kotone - in a way that no one else could be. It would stand to reason that Kotone would open up to her ... to the person that it would be completely inconceivable to alienate.
[ Someone who could never react in the way that Mitsuru had ...
[ What Yukari said about her conversation with Kotone after the Hall of Mirrors, though ... that sent a wash of cold running over Mitsuru. Kotone had said the same thing to her, about being the perfect cipher to everyone that she could reach. ]
Yukari, my mistake wasn't asking it was ...
[ She takes another steadying breath, chewing her lower lip briefly. ]
I was hurt, Yukari. I didn't understand what I was feeling, or why she was pushing me away, and when I said that she didn't mean that, she said that she frequently said things that she didn't mean. She said that what she wanted had never mattered, and that she was ... that she was dead, so it never would.
[ She looked away again, scrubbing at her eyes with the heel of her palm and choking out a sob. ]
I couldn't stand the thought of losing her again, and hearing her talk about herself in that way ... something inside of me just pulled and tore and I ...
[ She turns back to Yukari, tears in her eyes. ]
I yelled at her. That she had always mattered, that we would have failed without her, that we would have been miserable and alone without her, but I still yelled at her.
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but she remembers the stricken look on kotone's face after junpei yelled his frustrations at her in the months weeks before nyx's arrival, the genuine frustration in her tone as she snapped back. and she remembers the sudden withdrawal from the rest of them for several days afterward.
mitsuru yelling at her, regardless of good intentions, would have been like a slap to the face. ]
She didn't take that well, [ she quietly responds, rubbing comforting circles on mitsuru's back. ] Then you didn't take it well. And now we're here.
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[ Her voice was quiet and thin, but it was a little less choked and strained. It was as if the admission had released some pressure within her, but doing so had left her more deflated than relieved. Her eyes were still wet, and a few fresh tears rolled down her cheek. ]
The moment I finished, I knew what I had done ...
[ Even before she'd looked into Kotone's eyes and saw her friend's undisguised pain and despair, she knew. Junpei's outburst had come to her mind then, too. ]
I tried to apologize, for what little good that would do, but she began saying things that didn't make sense ... she talked about a contract that she had signed with Ryoji -- or at least, an embodiment of Thanatos that would later become Ryoji. She said that she had played her part, that she had become the perfect cipher to everyone that she could reach ...
There was some facet to the events of that year that we couldn't see, but that she could. Whatever it was, its left her convinced that it had all been predetermined, and that it could have never ended any other way ...
[ Mitsuru knew that Kotone tried to hide away any pain or anxiety that she felt - that she'd rather store it up inside of her than let anyone else see it. She knew that the hardships Kotone had faced had left their mark on her, even if Kotone would never admit it.
[ But that pain ran so much deeper than she realized, and she couldn't help but feel as though she'd failed Kotone by not discovering it before something like this could happen. ]
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[ it stands to reason that the two of them--this mysterious mysterious version of ryoji and even more igor--were connected to the contract somehow. were this a more trivial mystery, yukari would dig into it, but.... well. she already knows heartbreak lies in wait at the end. ]
I didn't ask what that meant. It...wasn't really the time. [ nor was it after escaping the hall or after they'd kis--no. no thinking about it. ] She never said anything about what happened being...I don't know, fate or something, but that's just the thing, isn't it? She never talked about it. Ever. You can't blame yourself for not knowing she was hurting.
And don't say you're not because you are. [ yukari fixes mitsuru with a piercing stare that very few people in camelot or otherwise would get away with. ] Otherwise, you wouldn't stay holed up in your room for days avoiding everyone. This isn't-- [ she pauses, wondering if what she wants to say next is too harsh, but sets her shoulders before continuing, ] This isn't how you make up for thinking you're a bad friend.
This isn't working. Talking to her is the only way to fix this.
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[ Yukari is right. The longer that she and Kotone drift in this agonizing limbo, the more and more difficult bridging this distance between them will become. But ... ]
I'm afraid, Yukari.
[ She sounds it, too. Uncharacteristically small and fragile and uncertain. But she doesn't shy away from Yuakri's gaze admitting it. ]
I'm afraid that I'll hurt her again, and lose her forever because of it.
[ Mitsuru wipes at her eyes again. ]
Whatever else that I might have wanted ... whatever else I might feel for her ... none of that matters now. All that I want is to avoid losing one of the two people in my life that matter the most to me.
[ For all the money and influence and reach that she has, the truth is that her world is a very small thing. It might have expanded a great deal from what it once was, even with the loss of her father, but if you distilled it down to the things that mean everything to her ...?
[ She has the Group.
[ She has Akihiko, Aragaki-san, Yamagishi-chan, Aigis, Amada-kun, Iori-san, and Koromaru.
[ She has Yukari and Kotone. ]
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