[ Mitsuru had never stopped hoping that things could be repaired between them, but in situations like this, there's always that lingering doubt ... that voice whispering 'what if' until the worst-case scenario seems nearly unavoidable.
[ Hearing that note of certainty in Kotone's voice, however small it may be, releases some of the tension that Mitsuru had been carrying. It was concrete evidence that their relationship wasn't damaged beyond repair, and even though they still had a great deal to discuss before things could return to something that even vaguely resembled normal ... it's hard to describe what a relief that was.
[ Mitsuru signals her agreement with a small nod, and then took in a deep breath. She was quiet, briefly, trying to sort through the things that she needed to say and assemble those thoughts into some loose order. Then: ]
I was ... quite shaken, when you said that you would have come with me if I had decided to run away. Hearing you say it aloud, I realized the depths of my feelings for you.
[ She tries to swallow down the lump forming in her throat. ]
I don't know that I'd ever felt that way before, and as I struggled to understand that, so many other questions raced through my mind. Had I felt this way before without even realizing it? How long had I harbored these feelings? Did you feel the same way ...? It was all so overwhelming, and when you abruptly withdrew and pushed me away, I ...
[ Another deep breath to try and steady herself, but there was a raggedness to this one. ]
It hurt. I barely understood what I was feeling, and I didn't know what I might have done to upset you.
[ She draws into her self a little bit, arms folding across her midsection. ]
I don't say any of this to justify my behavior, because I should have never allowed that pain and confusion to dictate my actions, I just ... I want you to understand the state of mind that I was in for what followed.
['It's never mattered what I wanted, Mitsuru.'
['It's never mattered why I wanted it, either.'
['And I'm dead, so it's not going to start now.' ]
I couldn't stand hearing you talk about yourself like that ... nor could I stand the thought of losing you again ... something inside of me snapped. I shouted, and I knew what I had done the moment that I finished speaking. I ... I've regretted it ever since.
You were suffering so much more than I realized ... and when you tried to tell me, I snapped at you.
[ With that, Mitsuru uncrosses her arms, allows them to fall to her sides, and bows to Kotone, lowering her head until she's bent at the waist. ]
You deserved a friend in that moment, and I failed you mere minutes after promising that I would always be there for you ...
[ She's holding back tears. Even with her face hidden by the thick curtain of her hair, the way her voice quavers makes it all too obvious. ]
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2021-10-19 02:03 am (UTC)[ Hearing that note of certainty in Kotone's voice, however small it may be, releases some of the tension that Mitsuru had been carrying. It was concrete evidence that their relationship wasn't damaged beyond repair, and even though they still had a great deal to discuss before things could return to something that even vaguely resembled normal ... it's hard to describe what a relief that was.
[ Mitsuru signals her agreement with a small nod, and then took in a deep breath. She was quiet, briefly, trying to sort through the things that she needed to say and assemble those thoughts into some loose order. Then: ]
I was ... quite shaken, when you said that you would have come with me if I had decided to run away. Hearing you say it aloud, I realized the depths of my feelings for you.
[ She tries to swallow down the lump forming in her throat. ]
I don't know that I'd ever felt that way before, and as I struggled to understand that, so many other questions raced through my mind. Had I felt this way before without even realizing it? How long had I harbored these feelings? Did you feel the same way ...? It was all so overwhelming, and when you abruptly withdrew and pushed me away, I ...
[ Another deep breath to try and steady herself, but there was a raggedness to this one. ]
It hurt. I barely understood what I was feeling, and I didn't know what I might have done to upset you.
[ She draws into her self a little bit, arms folding across her midsection. ]
I don't say any of this to justify my behavior, because I should have never allowed that pain and confusion to dictate my actions, I just ... I want you to understand the state of mind that I was in for what followed.
['It's never mattered what I wanted, Mitsuru.'
['It's never mattered why I wanted it, either.'
['And I'm dead, so it's not going to start now.' ]
I couldn't stand hearing you talk about yourself like that ... nor could I stand the thought of losing you again ... something inside of me snapped. I shouted, and I knew what I had done the moment that I finished speaking. I ... I've regretted it ever since.
You were suffering so much more than I realized ... and when you tried to tell me, I snapped at you.
[ With that, Mitsuru uncrosses her arms, allows them to fall to her sides, and bows to Kotone, lowering her head until she's bent at the waist. ]
You deserved a friend in that moment, and I failed you mere minutes after promising that I would always be there for you ...
[ She's holding back tears. Even with her face hidden by the thick curtain of her hair, the way her voice quavers makes it all too obvious. ]
I'm sorry, Kotone ... I'm so, so sorry ...